So I better write this down before I forget

I just heard a sermon. The speaker was talking about Adam and Eve. He said how the first part of Genisis is written as legend. I got angry at that.

Then he made some innacurrate references. For example, he said that in the Old Testament, the place where they talk about homosexuality is in the same passage where they say you can't eat pigs and Christians eat pigs now so we don't know what's up with homosexuality. oh great, I thought. This guy is dangerous. Because those two are NOT in the same passage.

And then I started getting convicted when he quoted Jesus saying that true religion is taking care of orphans and widows. Dang. I don't take care of orphans or widows. I go about my day, and I don't think about the problems in the world because I fear that there's nothing I can do. And I honestly want to have fun and live my life. I close off from God because I'm afraid He'll turn it around and ask me to do something I won't want to do. But I know that's the devil talking. Because honestly, if God wants me to do something and God has the best plan for me, what should I be afraid of?

homelessness
singleness
no bed
no apple pie
no soap
whatever

I basically am just living right now to get to December. To go home and see my family.

Spending time with God has become something to check off the list. I don't live and breathe God right now. I talk to my mom more than I talk to God. I don't fall on my knees in desperate need of him every morning. Instead, I'm scurrying around to finish homework and get ready for my 9am French class.

God, I'm so mad at my selfishness. And then I'm mad at my getting mad because I know getting mad won't change anything. What do you want from me? YOU WANT EVERYTHING! And I don't like that. But I know it's the only way and I know it's the best way. And yet I'm afraid.

Please send a great fish to swallow me.