Today a big event/concert is happening at my school. One student has been working to organize taping the event and streaming it live on the internet. He's been working on this for a couple months, and today he gets to see his baby walk.
I want a baby. I want to watch it grow and be there when it stands on its own feet...catch it when it falls
But I'm thinking bigger than a two month project. Something that maybe takes years.
A feature film.
A project to help homeless families be home families.
Writing the perfect screenplay.
Taking a trip around the country performing stand-up in numerous cities. In my tiny house.
Building a tiny house.
Just some ideas.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Disappointing Others
My Worst Fears:
1. Parasites
2. Disappointing Others/Making Mistakes
I did something I shouldn't have done and someone pointed it out to me. Enter self-loathing. I am super hard on myself because I'm proud and want to do a good job. I need God to help me let go of the insane grip I have on myself.
1. Parasites
2. Disappointing Others/Making Mistakes
I did something I shouldn't have done and someone pointed it out to me. Enter self-loathing. I am super hard on myself because I'm proud and want to do a good job. I need God to help me let go of the insane grip I have on myself.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Boys don't like me. That's ok.
When I was like seven or so I prayed that I would only date the guy I'm
going to marry. God was like, "YES!" Now I'm like, "NO!" I read in
Genesis how God put a mark on Cain so that no one could kill him. I'm
pretty sure God has put a mark on me so that guys won't fall in love
with me.
I've come to a place where I accept this reality and have turned it into a game of how long I can go without a boyfriend. So far we're at 21 years, which I believe is more common than society makes it out to be.
Society makes it seem like EVERYONE has had a sigother by 21 for sure. I have a good handful of friends who have never had boyfriends either. So I'm not alone.
My identity is in Christ. I don't NEED a man. But my goodness, I'd like to have one. They're fun.
My dad told me last summer that I would find somebody this year. The way he said it was very prophetic, but I was too scared to ask if He heard that from God or just felt it was a good guess.
Now, as lovely as that would be to find a special dude this year, I'm seriously doubting it. There are only four more months before this year is over and no guy has come along. Sure, I've liked a couple guys during this time, but of course they don't like me back. I want to come to the end of August and be able to say, "So, Dad...about finding my guy this year....Wazzzuuuuup!!?!" Is that bitterness? Probably.
I have plenty of guy FRIENDS. And no, I don't get stuck in the "friend zone." That's the dumbest term ever. If a guy likes me, no zone is going to stop him from pursuing me. Plus, most of my close guy friends have girlfriends anyway.
I find it's becoming increasingly more difficult for me to be around guys with girlfriends. Because with any of my guy friends, there's always the secret hope of something blossoming. We're only attracted to each other on a level of friendship, but it's still attraction.
I've come to a place where I accept this reality and have turned it into a game of how long I can go without a boyfriend. So far we're at 21 years, which I believe is more common than society makes it out to be.
Society makes it seem like EVERYONE has had a sigother by 21 for sure. I have a good handful of friends who have never had boyfriends either. So I'm not alone.
My identity is in Christ. I don't NEED a man. But my goodness, I'd like to have one. They're fun.
My dad told me last summer that I would find somebody this year. The way he said it was very prophetic, but I was too scared to ask if He heard that from God or just felt it was a good guess.
Now, as lovely as that would be to find a special dude this year, I'm seriously doubting it. There are only four more months before this year is over and no guy has come along. Sure, I've liked a couple guys during this time, but of course they don't like me back. I want to come to the end of August and be able to say, "So, Dad...about finding my guy this year....Wazzzuuuuup!!?!" Is that bitterness? Probably.
I have plenty of guy FRIENDS. And no, I don't get stuck in the "friend zone." That's the dumbest term ever. If a guy likes me, no zone is going to stop him from pursuing me. Plus, most of my close guy friends have girlfriends anyway.
I find it's becoming increasingly more difficult for me to be around guys with girlfriends. Because with any of my guy friends, there's always the secret hope of something blossoming. We're only attracted to each other on a level of friendship, but it's still attraction.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Picture Dreams
Dreaming of cameras. Pictures. Telling stories in a way no one has told them before.
I didn't think I'd ever get this feeling back. I really want to capture different facial expressions and put them all over my walls. I want to see what kind of movies I can make. What my style is.
Ah I WANT A CAMERA!
I didn't think I'd ever get this feeling back. I really want to capture different facial expressions and put them all over my walls. I want to see what kind of movies I can make. What my style is.
Ah I WANT A CAMERA!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
One Line 4
1. Don't be funny when you're trying to make an important point.
2. Don't be close friends with guys with girlfriends.
3. God is faithful. Don't be afraid. Pray and trust God. He provides what we need according to his will. And his will is gooooood.
2. Don't be close friends with guys with girlfriends.
3. God is faithful. Don't be afraid. Pray and trust God. He provides what we need according to his will. And his will is gooooood.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
A Few Lines 3
My dad always seems tired now. I hope when I see him in person, it won't be like that.
I'm angry that I didn't finish logging the documentary footage earlier, but I did work my butt off to get it done. Maybe I could've squeezed more in before, but I still think it would've taken me a long time. Things just take longer than we estimate. But some of it was my fault too. I admitted this to my other group mate. I hated saying it because I'm proud. She thanked me for acknowledging it. I'm burning.
Almost done with the year.
I'm angry that I didn't finish logging the documentary footage earlier, but I did work my butt off to get it done. Maybe I could've squeezed more in before, but I still think it would've taken me a long time. Things just take longer than we estimate. But some of it was my fault too. I admitted this to my other group mate. I hated saying it because I'm proud. She thanked me for acknowledging it. I'm burning.
Almost done with the year.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Friday, April 6, 2012
H.A.G.S.--Story of my Life
DISCONNECTED THOUGHT: Saying "I've got writer's block" is too often used as a substitute for "I'm not working hard" or "I don't care."
I live in a warm dry place. I've lived here for three years. It's rather like summer all the time. So, I thought to myself It will always feel like summer vacation. I was wrong. Now it just feels like I go to school during summer vacation.
There was this special feeling I got in elementary school when I lived on the East Coast. Everything smelled better on the East Coast. And each season had a different smell.
I miss that feeling in mid-June when school was basically over and I could wear shorts. I'd work less hard and wish we hadn't had snow days back in January.
Then came the last day of school. End-o-year party. Yearbooks. H.A.G.S. Everyone was suddenly friends with everyone. Scribbling phone numbers. The last bell of the year rings and I peel my thighs off the chair. Make my way toward the door. The walk home shimmers. Birds smile on branches, stuffed with worms, berries, and peace. The air sags with nothing to do. Time to relax. Play. Go to the pool. And do summer reading...ick!
I miss that feeling. Now the heat and sun are nothing special. Yes, it's beautiful. But it's not rich and full of meaning. I do not remember a particular event because it happened when it was hot and sunny or snowy and cold or colored and fallen.
I NEED SEASONS!
I live in a warm dry place. I've lived here for three years. It's rather like summer all the time. So, I thought to myself It will always feel like summer vacation. I was wrong. Now it just feels like I go to school during summer vacation.
There was this special feeling I got in elementary school when I lived on the East Coast. Everything smelled better on the East Coast. And each season had a different smell.
I miss that feeling in mid-June when school was basically over and I could wear shorts. I'd work less hard and wish we hadn't had snow days back in January.
Then came the last day of school. End-o-year party. Yearbooks. H.A.G.S. Everyone was suddenly friends with everyone. Scribbling phone numbers. The last bell of the year rings and I peel my thighs off the chair. Make my way toward the door. The walk home shimmers. Birds smile on branches, stuffed with worms, berries, and peace. The air sags with nothing to do. Time to relax. Play. Go to the pool. And do summer reading...ick!
I miss that feeling. Now the heat and sun are nothing special. Yes, it's beautiful. But it's not rich and full of meaning. I do not remember a particular event because it happened when it was hot and sunny or snowy and cold or colored and fallen.
I NEED SEASONS!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
For the moments I feel faint...
"When trying to navigate through the treacherous world of the workplace and stay on course with who you're called to be, there's one trait that will serve you more than anything else:
Resilience.
You will be pushed, prodded, pressured, isolated and questioned. 
Resilience.
You will be pushed, prodded, pressured, isolated and questioned.
You will get difficult feedback.
You will forget why you're here.
You will have a really, really bad day.
And a meaningless week.
You will discover that your college degree didn't prepare you for this.
You will find people lapping you in promotion, development and success.
But you must bounce back. You must find a way to be singularly focused and galvanized towards who you're shaped to be.
Find a couple of friends who will commit to holding you on course.
Write your goals down.
Spend time every month imagining who you could become if you stayed on track for another five or ten years.
Figure out what you need to become the best version of you, and then be relentlessly intentional about making it happen.
It's your life, your responsibility."
You will forget why you're here.
You will have a really, really bad day.
And a meaningless week.
You will discover that your college degree didn't prepare you for this.
You will find people lapping you in promotion, development and success.
But you must bounce back. You must find a way to be singularly focused and galvanized towards who you're shaped to be.
Find a couple of friends who will commit to holding you on course.
Write your goals down.
Spend time every month imagining who you could become if you stayed on track for another five or ten years.
Figure out what you need to become the best version of you, and then be relentlessly intentional about making it happen.
It's your life, your responsibility."
Monday, April 2, 2012
Drakmar
I saw this documentary called "Drakmar: A Vassal's Journey" about this geeky nerd kid who escapes the reality of being bullied and fatherless by immersing himself in a make-believe Medieval world filled with dragons and mythical creatures. This kid is an absolute delight.
This movie touched me. I was filled with an urge to go back in time and be friends with all the awkward outsiders I knew in school. Because of this movie, I reconnected with a friend from high school who is still the video-gaming person who could use more friends. We are going to skype this weekend.
I suddenly want to make a documentary like this one. I wondered if working on a documentary like this would be a worthy investment in terms of eternity. After seeing how non-preachy Drakmar is yet how it moved me to love other people, I totally see it as having eternal value.
Dude, it's making me want to make movies after college. I thought I didn't want to, but you know...if I was working on a great movie and didn't have to worry about taking 4 other classes and working on top of it, I could enjoy making movies.
So this is my new plan.
1. Network in the production world to make movies and find film partners because I can't do this alone....with the end vision of writing and directing movies
2. Write a script my film partners and I would want to make
3. Make the film
4. Submit to festivals
5. Repeat
And also:
1. Do stand-up comedy
2. Try acting
3. Be an extra
4. If I can't make money doing all of the above, get a part-time job--preferably with animals or doing something that would inspire my writing, something other than filmmaking
This movie touched me. I was filled with an urge to go back in time and be friends with all the awkward outsiders I knew in school. Because of this movie, I reconnected with a friend from high school who is still the video-gaming person who could use more friends. We are going to skype this weekend.
I suddenly want to make a documentary like this one. I wondered if working on a documentary like this would be a worthy investment in terms of eternity. After seeing how non-preachy Drakmar is yet how it moved me to love other people, I totally see it as having eternal value.
Dude, it's making me want to make movies after college. I thought I didn't want to, but you know...if I was working on a great movie and didn't have to worry about taking 4 other classes and working on top of it, I could enjoy making movies.
So this is my new plan.
1. Network in the production world to make movies and find film partners because I can't do this alone....with the end vision of writing and directing movies
2. Write a script my film partners and I would want to make
3. Make the film
4. Submit to festivals
5. Repeat
And also:
1. Do stand-up comedy
2. Try acting
3. Be an extra
4. If I can't make money doing all of the above, get a part-time job--preferably with animals or doing something that would inspire my writing, something other than filmmaking
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