Desire

I am reading a book called Desire by John Eldredge. Here are some excerpts I particularly want to remember:

"One thing I have come to embrace is this: we have to let it go. The more comfortable we are with mystery in our journey, the more rest we will know along the way."

"To wait is to learn the spiritual grace of detachment, the freedom of desire. Not the absence of desire, but desire at rest."

"I will have it in my home--in heaven. Some guy making six figures may be able to have it for a few years, but I'll have it forever."

"I believe we must add two spiritual disciplines to everyday life. The first is worship. We must adore God deliberately, regularly. The other is grief. We must allow a time for sorrow to do our own personal sowing. I see no other way to care for our hearts.

Now making time to grieve might seem strange to you. 'But I don't feel grief or sorrow at all.' Just because we do not feel it doesn't mean it is not there. Our pleasant experience may be the result of the thousand distractions that fill our waking moments."

Short phrases to awaken desire:

"The story continues. This simple statement reminds me that life is unfolding, that we are headed somewhere, that the story is moving towards its happy ending."

"It can't be done. By this I remember that I can't arrange for the life I prize...it frees my heart from the grasping and plotting and fretting over my life..."

"It is coming. ...The very thing that I am aching for now...is exactly what's coming to me...As you raise your glass of wine, toast to the banquet to come; as you see anything beautiful you'd like to have, say to yourself, 'In a little while it shall be mine forever'"


One thing I'd like to say about grief. I don't like it when people put on faces. I'd rather much be in the middle of a grieving fest than sit at a table of insincere smiles. What is so embarrassing about it? Everyone grieves. It frees the heart.

Also, I want to get better at letting go--at being at peace with the questions I have about the future. I want to be alive in the mystery. I want to wake up each morning excited that the story continues.

I also want to limit the noise in my life. Noise depresses me and chokes my desire. I find myself waiting for someone to text me or make a comment on my videos. How pathetic. So I'm removing some of my distractions. I'm cutting out two TV shows, I'm checking Facebook less, and I even turn off my phone sometimes. I'm filling this time with more prayer and creativity. I want to pray more intensely:

"While Jesus was here on earth, he offered prayers and pleadings, with a loud cry and tears, to the one who could deliver him" (Heb 5:7 NLT)

John Eldredge made the point that few people really pray like that. Now, if I were God, I think I'd want to see passion in the way my people prayed...you know, not just knocking on the door, but POUNDING on the door. I think why Jesus prays harder than us is because he has more passion than we do.

The Idea of Vacation

I've never really been on a relaxing vacation...you know, the kind where you just sit there....relaxing.

I always have somewhere I have to be or there are things I have to get for people....like Christmas presents.

Anyway. Well, I suppose even getting a massage is going somewhere and doing something.

Whatever. I don't even care.

What I do care about is Mr. High-five. I got a high-five from him today. I also got a hug from him. And we had dinner with mutual friends. It was a good night. But I just have no idea what he thinks of me. Does he like me? I don't know. A couple weeks ago we basically went on a date, but I have no idea if he thought it was a date or just hanging-out.

It was a freaking date, though. It was. If you looked up "date" in the dictionary, what we did would be in there.

He's so adorable.

I hate how awesome he is. It kills me.

It also kills me that I'll be gone for a month. Away from him. But maybe it will be liberating.....no, definitely not. It will kill me. I'll think about him every single day. I'm so tired of thinking about him. I need a vacation.

But I'm afraid if I go away, he'll forget about me. He'll find another girl or something. And that would devastate me. But I shouldn't be afraid. God's got this. He had this before the beginning of time. I should just go home to my parents and friends and have lot's of fun. I need to let this go.

Here you go, Lord. Every day, help me give this to you. I realize there are far more important circumstances that need working out more than my boy issues. And yet you care about even the smallest conversations and desires. You're amazing.

C.S. Lewis--Heaven

"There have been times when I think we do not desire heaven; but more often I find myself wondering whether, in our heart of hearts, we have ever desired anything else. You may have noticed that the books you really love are bound together by a secret thread. You know very well what is the common quality that makes you love them, though you cannot put it into words: but most of your friends do not see it at all, and often wonder why, liking this, you should also like that."
...
"Even in your hobbies, has there not always been some secret attraction which the others are curiously ignorant of--something, not to be identified with, but always on the verge of breaking through, the smell of cut wood in the workshop or the clap-clap of water against the boat's side? Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling (but faint and uncertain even at best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to old age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for? You have never had it. All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it--tantalising glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear. But if it should really become manifest--if there ever came an echo that did not die away but swelled into the sound itself--you would know it. Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say, 'Here at last is the thing I was made for'."
...
"Your place in heaven will seem to be made for you and you alone, because you were made for it--made for it stitch by stitch as a glove is made for a hand."

Thank you Lord for making C.S. Lewis a genius thinker and wordsmith.

I wonder what my role will be in heaven...what I am made for. I do have favorite books, movies, and stories, but I can't tell you exactly why I love "The Lion King" and "Lord of the Rings" and Sammy Keyes and White Fang. It's hard to find someone who likes the same movies I like, much less share the same degree of passion for them. Everyone has a different soul signature. What is mine? I'm sure words cannot express. I'm sure even if God told me, I wouldn't be able to understand it now. And even if I was able to understand it, I would only understand part of it for a hint of a short moment.

I wonder what my name is...the one on the white stone that no one else will know...it will stay between me and God. And whatever my name is, it will fit like a glove and be completely unique. With my identity I will worship God and adore Him uniquely, and He will speak to me with words and gifts that only I can fully appreciate. And in turn I will laugh at how well He knows me and worship Him more.

So people want to know why I am not totally ecstatic to be in the film major? Because I know that nothing on earth can fully satisfy my desires. There will always be something that doesn't fit on this side of heaven. Everything I have ever desired has never been as good as I needed it to be. And even if an event or relationship exceeds my expectations, it only leaves me with a sore spot for more of it more deeply...even worship. I won't be able to get enough until Heaven.

So I better write this down before I forget

I just heard a sermon. The speaker was talking about Adam and Eve. He said how the first part of Genisis is written as legend. I got angry at that.

Then he made some innacurrate references. For example, he said that in the Old Testament, the place where they talk about homosexuality is in the same passage where they say you can't eat pigs and Christians eat pigs now so we don't know what's up with homosexuality. oh great, I thought. This guy is dangerous. Because those two are NOT in the same passage.

And then I started getting convicted when he quoted Jesus saying that true religion is taking care of orphans and widows. Dang. I don't take care of orphans or widows. I go about my day, and I don't think about the problems in the world because I fear that there's nothing I can do. And I honestly want to have fun and live my life. I close off from God because I'm afraid He'll turn it around and ask me to do something I won't want to do. But I know that's the devil talking. Because honestly, if God wants me to do something and God has the best plan for me, what should I be afraid of?

homelessness
singleness
no bed
no apple pie
no soap
whatever

I basically am just living right now to get to December. To go home and see my family.

Spending time with God has become something to check off the list. I don't live and breathe God right now. I talk to my mom more than I talk to God. I don't fall on my knees in desperate need of him every morning. Instead, I'm scurrying around to finish homework and get ready for my 9am French class.

God, I'm so mad at my selfishness. And then I'm mad at my getting mad because I know getting mad won't change anything. What do you want from me? YOU WANT EVERYTHING! And I don't like that. But I know it's the only way and I know it's the best way. And yet I'm afraid.

Please send a great fish to swallow me.

Jesus Meets Homesickness

God has been teaching me to bring my feelings before Him. And He's been blowing my mind.

"Call to me and I will answer you and show you great and unsearchable things you do not know." Jeremiah 33:3

I have been very homesick lately so I told God about it. Immediately Jesus came to mind, and I realized how homesick He must have been. Jesus had to leave heaven to be on Earth for 33 years. 33 YEARS!!! I'm sure getting dirt stuck in his scandals was a step down from racing God the Father and His angels through celestial canyons.

Jesus never complained about it, but I'm certain Jesus missed heaven. Why? Because He was ALWAYS praying to God the Father. He was constantly on the phone with his Dad!

Now I don't feel so weird for calling my Mom and Dad every single day because I miss them to death.

Thank you, Lord, for showing me great and unsearchable things I had not known before. I love you.

people and how stupid we are

Okay, God. How can you love us so much? I'm almost mad that you love us because we are so disgusting.

Let's start with me. Today I totally failed.

I was talking to a girl for the No Secrets campaign. I was telling her that we are a part of a Christian fellowship organization. She responded with, "I figured as much."

I had no idea what to say. Truly nothing. Nothing was there at all. "So do you have a secret?" seemed inappropriate. I felt like, "I figured as much" totally solidfied all judgements she had about us. So I said something really stupid: "Yea, some people are hostile when they find out we are a Christian group." What she said: "I'm not hostile." What I said, "Okay. Cool. Have a good day."

eeewwwwugh. Who am I? Definitely not cool. If anyone comes to be free in Christ through this outreach, it definitely won't be because of people on either end of the ministry stick. It will be a supernatural miracle--not like there are any other miracles.

Also.

LORD, I am having a hard time being patient with people who don't love you or put you first. I'm like...how can they not love you? I don't understand. And how can they not believe in you? You are so obvious.

But then I remember the times when I have put things before spending time with You. And there are also times when I doubt your Word. Please forgive me. Change me.

Thank you that you have far more grace and patience than I do.

In Jesus' name,

Amen

Red Leaves

What if I moved to Massachusetts. Not right now. After college.

Then, say I made some friends.
Then, say they asked me why I moved to Massachusetts.

I would roll the answer around in my mouth for a while to measure its foolishness.





Red leaves.






I came here to watch trees become rainbows.

I moved here to know the day Fall arrived. To step outside of my house, take in a long, deep breath and declare, "The air is crisp today!"

I moved here to caress pumpkins. To kill the slugs in my garden until I grow a beaming orange globe.

Frost.

I moved here see dirt freeze into tiny little ice caves.

Grasshoppers.

I moved here to see a grasshopper lay its eggs in a wooden fence.

Acorns.

Acorns are magical. It's why they are always stolen.

Thunder. Lightening.

I came here to be interrupted.


But the real reason I came here is because I fell in love with this place a long time ago, and I was never able to put it behind me.