Changes Galore

There's been a lot of whatnot going on en mi vida.

-My parents moving

-I'm stepping down from IV leadership

-Moving-notmoving drama

-Thinking about my future/what I should do post college

-Not liking making movies in my class---i'm supposed to like this...what's going on?

-Homesickness

-Severing relationships made during the summer

-One of my friends frequently talks to me about how much fun she has hanging out with her other friend. She doesn't talk about how much fun she has with me.

-How am I going to pay for next semester's tuition?


My security blanket has been pulled out from under me. Where I live physically has been on shaky ground in two places. What I've been passionate about career-wise is now a stress. The fact that guys like me as a friend, but don't ask me out frustrates me. Never ever felt this lost before.

God, be my Rock.

What do I need to surrender to You, Lord?

Anxiety? Being anxious is easier than being free. But you don't want your children living in anxiety. I pray I would let your peace transcend my understanding.

Elizabeth and Mary

I think it was thoughtful for God gave both Elizabeth and Mary miraculous conceptions at relatively the same time. I'm sure Elizabeth was a great comfort to Mary in the three months that Mary stayed with her.

They were relatives. How crazy. How crazy thoughtful of God to give these two women comfort in each other.

Growing Up

It's me, a backpack,
And the drought
It's just us three
From here on out

My guide has left
To save the others
Will I be strong
Like all my brothers?

Queer Twist of Reality

"Reality , in fact, is usually something you could not have guessed. That is one of the reasons I believe Christianity. It is a religion you could not have guessed. If it offered us just the kind of universe we had always expected, I should feel we were making it up. But, in fact, it is not the sort of thing anyone would have made up. It has just that queer twist about it that real things have." -C.S. Lewis

I know C.S. Lewis is talking about reality and Christianity here, but I'm going to apply it to movies. I want to give my movies that "queer twist" that Lewis is talking about.

My Best

This semester I am going to study film. I'm not going to complain. I'm going to learn. I'm going to go above and beyond what my teachers ask of me. If my teachers aren't challenging me, I am going to challenge me. When faced with a problem, I am not going to swear or get discouraged. Instead, I am going to pray and do everything in my power to fix the problem.

I won't give up. I won't surrender to the temptation of thinking that I am worthless or that I should not try because others are better than me. I am going to give myself a chance. I am going to reach the limits of myself and find out what doing my best means.

I am all in.



Why the newfound resolve? I honestly think it's God's doing a work in my heart. You see, I just found out that I didn't make it to this final round of a video scholarship contest. I watched the finalist videos, and you know what? They were definitely better than my entry. But I am not discouraged because I know I can do better.

It wouldn't be fair to me or God to not make the most of the gifts He's given me. So I am choosing to honor God my using my gifts to the fullest extent. Here we go, Lord. Please give me a Canon 60D, an audio recorder, and money for film expenses. I'm willing to work for it.

OH NO! ANYTHING BUT POOR!

I just realized that I'm afraid of being poor. I always pretended I wasn't, but I am.

I want so many things. For some reason I imagine that owning horses, having a farm, and somehow also being a movie-maker and the wife of an adoring husband would make me happy. Since I don't have those things, I'm restless, scrambling to begin to get them.

God, I am not able to see your glory right now. I don't understand your love. I gave up trying to understand it. But I have to give my life away to you because there is no other way that is good. It's because of your love that it's good. There is no way all those materials and fame would make me happy because I've seen it make a lot of people unhappy.

Lord, I will lose the fight in getting what I want. But God, I can't lose the fight when I'm on Your side, serving You.

"The branch that bears the most fruit bows the lowest."

Lord, I may not win any earthly contests, but show me how to win the heavenly one. I know through Jesus I win, but I mean...dangit, how the heck can I be a branch that bears tons of fruit when I'm so completely selfish? I can't. God, break the selfishness in me. Help me to let you break it off of me so that I can work out my salvation.

Internship Day 1&2

Day 1:

My boss (let's call him Mr. M) and I discussed what I want to get out of this internship. I wasn't really sure what I wanted, so I made something up about learning what the business is really like.

For the next hour and a half we organized equipment. The equipment room/garage was freezing. I was also thirsty, but I was too afraid to ask for water so I just waited it out and took my pulse now and then.

Afterwards I went to a church to shoot a video where a guy's pants fall down during a job interview. Luckily no old ladies walked by when it was no-pants time. They would've had questions like, "What are you doing?" and "Have you met our security?"

I went home and watched Redlight King's "Old Man" music video 52 times.

Day 2:

Mr. M told me to "mess around" in the garage while he edited a video. So I went into the garage and touched some equipment. I wasn't actually paying attention when he told me how long I'd be "messing around" for. I thought I had to entertain myself for like 45 minutes, but it turned out to be 15.

Then we drove to a business meeting regarding the making of a video, but we first stopped for Starbucks. He asked if I wanted anything. I got nervous and said, "No, I don't drink coffee."

I've been offered free Starbucks twice in the last 6 days. Both times I got nervous and said No. Why do I get so nervous? I'm going to be the thinnest filmmaker in the business if I don't figure out how to enjoy myself while also being in "professional mode."

So the meeting went well. Mr. M asked me what I learned. I didn't really learn anything so I pulled something out of my butt about the format of their treatment.

Then I went home and watched Redlight King's "Old Man" music video 12 times. Lie. I didn't. I ate cereal and wrote this blog. And watched the video 2 times.