I had fun tonight!

It's Friday. Instead of wasting another night in my room alone, I went to a movie with a house mate. An indie movie in a tiny theater. "Salmon Fishing in the Yemen." The movie was just ok, but it was great just not being in my room. I have been neglecting my social life. Can't do that anymore.

My Birthday is Hard to Deal with

My birthday is in two weeks.

Ugh. I think I'll make hundreds of cupcakes and pass them out all day. To focus on other people. Because let's face it...I don't handle my birthdays very well when people focus on me. I actually ran away from my birthday party last year. "Why is Stephanie running into the distance? Wait, we can't see her anymore." Not good.

I've never had a great birthday party. I can't remember a single one that made me want to kick my heels up and shout.

I've always done the same thing......eat food and converse with friends. Woohoo. Sounds like every other day of my life. Partay.

Maybe I should do something different that's not about me. I don't know. The best days are never planned. They're cultivated by destiny and refined in the fires of shared agony. No, really. One of the best times I had was being on a boat in a storm. Hundreds of people were throwing up, and I sat at the same table as the guy I liked. ...maybe it was more like clinging to the table than sitting at it, but anyway... to be that miserable with someone else is really special.

Oh no...I just calculated.....I'll be PMSing on my birthday. Bahahaha

Having a Baby

Today a big event/concert is happening at my school. One student has been working to organize taping the event and streaming it live on the internet. He's been working on this for a couple months, and today he gets to see his baby walk.

I want a baby. I want to watch it grow and be there when it stands on its own feet...catch it when it falls

But I'm thinking bigger than a two month project. Something that maybe takes years.

A feature film.
A project to help homeless families be home families.
Writing the perfect screenplay.
Taking a trip around the country performing stand-up in numerous cities. In my tiny house.
Building a tiny house.

Just some ideas.

Disappointing Others

My Worst Fears:

1. Parasites
2. Disappointing Others/Making Mistakes

I did something I shouldn't have done and someone pointed it out to me. Enter self-loathing. I am super hard on myself because I'm proud and want to do a good job. I need God to help me let go of the insane grip I have on myself.

Boys don't like me. That's ok.

When I was like seven or so I prayed that I would only date the guy I'm going to marry. God was like, "YES!" Now I'm like, "NO!" I read in Genesis how God put a mark on Cain so that no one could kill him. I'm pretty sure God has put a mark on me so that guys won't fall in love with me.

I've come to a place where I accept this reality and have turned it into a game of how long I can go without a boyfriend. So far we're at 21 years, which I believe is more common than society makes it out to be.

Society makes it seem like EVERYONE has had a sigother by 21 for sure. I have a good handful of friends who have never had boyfriends either. So I'm not alone.

My identity is in Christ. I don't NEED a man. But my goodness, I'd like to have one. They're fun.

My dad told me last summer that I would find somebody this year. The way he said it was very prophetic, but I was too scared to ask if He heard that from God or just felt it was a good guess.

Now, as lovely as that would be to find a special dude this year, I'm seriously doubting it. There are only four more months before this year is over and no guy has come along. Sure, I've liked a couple guys during this time, but of course they don't like me back. I want to come to the end of August and be able to say, "So, Dad...about finding my guy this year....Wazzzuuuuup!!?!" Is that bitterness? Probably.

I have plenty of guy FRIENDS. And no, I don't get stuck in the "friend zone." That's the dumbest term ever. If a guy likes me, no zone is going to stop him from pursuing me. Plus, most of my close guy friends have girlfriends anyway.

I find it's becoming increasingly more difficult for me to be around guys with girlfriends. Because with any of my guy friends, there's always the secret hope of something blossoming. We're only attracted to each other on a level of friendship, but it's still attraction.

One Line 6

Feeling victorious for finishing a 22-page script and a 6-page essay today.

Picture Dreams

Dreaming of cameras. Pictures. Telling stories in a way no one has told them before.

I didn't think I'd ever get this feeling back. I really want to capture different facial expressions and put them all over my walls. I want to see what kind of movies I can make. What my style is.

Ah I WANT A CAMERA!