I just realized that I'm afraid of being poor. I always pretended I wasn't, but I am.
I want so many things. For some reason I imagine that owning horses, having a farm, and somehow also being a movie-maker and the wife of an adoring husband would make me happy. Since I don't have those things, I'm restless, scrambling to begin to get them.
God, I am not able to see your glory right now. I don't understand your love. I gave up trying to understand it. But I have to give my life away to you because there is no other way that is good. It's because of your love that it's good. There is no way all those materials and fame would make me happy because I've seen it make a lot of people unhappy.
Lord, I will lose the fight in getting what I want. But God, I can't lose the fight when I'm on Your side, serving You.
"The branch that bears the most fruit bows the lowest."
Lord, I may not win any earthly contests, but show me how to win the heavenly one. I know through Jesus I win, but I mean...dangit, how the heck can I be a branch that bears tons of fruit when I'm so completely selfish? I can't. God, break the selfishness in me. Help me to let you break it off of me so that I can work out my salvation.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Internship Day 1&2
Day 1:
My boss (let's call him Mr. M) and I discussed what I want to get out of this internship. I wasn't really sure what I wanted, so I made something up about learning what the business is really like.
For the next hour and a half we organized equipment. The equipment room/garage was freezing. I was also thirsty, but I was too afraid to ask for water so I just waited it out and took my pulse now and then.
Afterwards I went to a church to shoot a video where a guy's pants fall down during a job interview. Luckily no old ladies walked by when it was no-pants time. They would've had questions like, "What are you doing?" and "Have you met our security?"
I went home and watched Redlight King's "Old Man" music video 52 times.
Day 2:
Mr. M told me to "mess around" in the garage while he edited a video. So I went into the garage and touched some equipment. I wasn't actually paying attention when he told me how long I'd be "messing around" for. I thought I had to entertain myself for like 45 minutes, but it turned out to be 15.
Then we drove to a business meeting regarding the making of a video, but we first stopped for Starbucks. He asked if I wanted anything. I got nervous and said, "No, I don't drink coffee."
I've been offered free Starbucks twice in the last 6 days. Both times I got nervous and said No. Why do I get so nervous? I'm going to be the thinnest filmmaker in the business if I don't figure out how to enjoy myself while also being in "professional mode."
So the meeting went well. Mr. M asked me what I learned. I didn't really learn anything so I pulled something out of my butt about the format of their treatment.
Then I went home and watched Redlight King's "Old Man" music video 12 times. Lie. I didn't. I ate cereal and wrote this blog. And watched the video 2 times.
My boss (let's call him Mr. M) and I discussed what I want to get out of this internship. I wasn't really sure what I wanted, so I made something up about learning what the business is really like.
For the next hour and a half we organized equipment. The equipment room/garage was freezing. I was also thirsty, but I was too afraid to ask for water so I just waited it out and took my pulse now and then.
Afterwards I went to a church to shoot a video where a guy's pants fall down during a job interview. Luckily no old ladies walked by when it was no-pants time. They would've had questions like, "What are you doing?" and "Have you met our security?"
I went home and watched Redlight King's "Old Man" music video 52 times.
Day 2:
Mr. M told me to "mess around" in the garage while he edited a video. So I went into the garage and touched some equipment. I wasn't actually paying attention when he told me how long I'd be "messing around" for. I thought I had to entertain myself for like 45 minutes, but it turned out to be 15.
Then we drove to a business meeting regarding the making of a video, but we first stopped for Starbucks. He asked if I wanted anything. I got nervous and said, "No, I don't drink coffee."
I've been offered free Starbucks twice in the last 6 days. Both times I got nervous and said No. Why do I get so nervous? I'm going to be the thinnest filmmaker in the business if I don't figure out how to enjoy myself while also being in "professional mode."
So the meeting went well. Mr. M asked me what I learned. I didn't really learn anything so I pulled something out of my butt about the format of their treatment.
Then I went home and watched Redlight King's "Old Man" music video 12 times. Lie. I didn't. I ate cereal and wrote this blog. And watched the video 2 times.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
God Actually Loves Me
The Lord loves me. He goes before me and prepares the way.
I have been trying to get a hold of this guy about a video internship and he hasn't been getting back to me despite my best efforts. But he kept asking me to keep trying to get in touch with him. Finally, I had to give up...it had been almost four months of frustrating communication and lack thereof.
I was looking for other jobs and not having much success. Finally, he called me just now and said that he was driving and God clearly told him to call me.
WHAT?! WHAT?! WOW! God, are you kidding me? You are so cool. I had no idea you really cared about me. I mean, I knew you cared, but not like that...I didn't think you would do something like this. It's so good to be reminded that You are with me. I really needed to be reminded of that.
He offered me an unpaid internship...the paid one was taken...poop. But he said that if I work on a project as a PA or and editor, I could get paid for that. Sweet. And he said that if I worked part time as a Starbucks barista or something, I could still do the internship.
And just him saying Starbucks barista was kind of interesting because I have an interview with Starbucks tomorrow and earlier I was trying to think of jobs to apply for, Starbucks kept entering my mind. I kept dismissing it because I tried to get a job with them before and it didn't work so I kind of assumed trying again wouldn't work. It kept coming up in my head though, so I thought God might be trying to hint at something.
So I applied. And I have an interview. And it was used by "the internship guy" in a plausible scenario of my life. So we'll see.
I have been trying to get a hold of this guy about a video internship and he hasn't been getting back to me despite my best efforts. But he kept asking me to keep trying to get in touch with him. Finally, I had to give up...it had been almost four months of frustrating communication and lack thereof.
I was looking for other jobs and not having much success. Finally, he called me just now and said that he was driving and God clearly told him to call me.
WHAT?! WHAT?! WOW! God, are you kidding me? You are so cool. I had no idea you really cared about me. I mean, I knew you cared, but not like that...I didn't think you would do something like this. It's so good to be reminded that You are with me. I really needed to be reminded of that.
He offered me an unpaid internship...the paid one was taken...poop. But he said that if I work on a project as a PA or and editor, I could get paid for that. Sweet. And he said that if I worked part time as a Starbucks barista or something, I could still do the internship.
And just him saying Starbucks barista was kind of interesting because I have an interview with Starbucks tomorrow and earlier I was trying to think of jobs to apply for, Starbucks kept entering my mind. I kept dismissing it because I tried to get a job with them before and it didn't work so I kind of assumed trying again wouldn't work. It kept coming up in my head though, so I thought God might be trying to hint at something.
So I applied. And I have an interview. And it was used by "the internship guy" in a plausible scenario of my life. So we'll see.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Joke-making
I don't like it when people say a funny thing, but it's actually meant to kick me in the face. And then I'm told I have no sense of humor when I don't laugh. I want to stop being that insulting person.
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