Career

I know all my blogs are the same, but I don't really write them for others to read. I write them so I can process through my life and write about conflicts that could inspire writing a story in the future. Processing is best in a blog and not in a secret folder in my computer because if someone steals my computer, it's no problem. Blogs are written in the sky.

Subject for today and the days before and the days ahead. I've been having issues with my major if you didn't know. I keep putting myself in situations where I am behind the scenes, but I very much want to be in the scene, but I don't see myself being a great actor. My face doesn't look that great on camera.

I just applied for a casting internship. Really, Steph? I mean, I'm kind of interested in casting, but I really can't stand being behind the scenes. The only behind the scenes thing I like is writing, but the writing becomes the scene.

It'd be fun going on tour to different churches doing comedy, but I'm not big on church-comedy. Making fun of church is so overdone. I just want to do clean comedy. Maybe just regular gigs with comedy that's clean but enjoyed by all. I hope they'll like me. I think they will. I have a feeeeling in my bones.

Someone just randomly posted on my wall telling me that I crack them up. YAY! That makes me so happy. Dude, I'm funny. I want to have the mindset that I'm blessing people with laughter as opposed to needing attention. I'm sure I've said that before.

Not Where I Want to Be

I am not where I thought I'd be. I always thought I had something special to offer the world. A unique way of looking at the world. I thought I'd be making movies to be proud of. I thought I'd be winning awards and glittering. Now I don't even like making movies. I regret going into film production.

My parents keep telling me I'm in the right place. No. I'm in a place and it will work out eventually, but I wish I had switched to critical studies of film a year ago when I had the chance. Now I'm deciding which class I hate less to take next year: Advanced Film or Advanced TV.

I don't like my job. I mean. It's great I have a job and get paid. It's great I found out I don't like it. I just have to make it through this year and I hate feeling that way. Drudgery.

I thought I'd be ahead of the curve. I'm proud. I thought I'd be better than everyone else, but you know what? Other people are smarter, more talented, and own more equipment than I do. It puts them ahead and I'm in the dust. The very fact I don't have a car is very frustrating and puts me behind.

I know that because I have Jesus my eternity is set. I have everything. I have food and a bed and a roof and a computer, a family. And toothpaste. I know I'm rich in these ways and I'm thankful for these things.

I just thought I was going to do more. You know, but other people are really talented too. Other people. Don't need me. They write great scripts without me. I used to think I had great scripts, but no one picks my ideas to make into movies. They tell great jokes without me. I make videos that are really funny, but only a few people watch them. It's not really worth it, but I have to keep making those videos because it's so fun. I'm hilarious. Why don't more people watch?

I'm totally confused why you're not attracted to me. We have the same sense of humor. You pick up on my mumbled jokes. No one else hears them, but you do. And laugh. You asked me hold old I was. Why did you want to know? Why did you pull a hermit so suddenly after biblestudy? Why didn't you talk to me? Where did you go on your night hike? I wouldn't be able to be with you anyway. I'm just going to leave. But I want you. I find myself trying to be where you are. I've ridden this train so many times. God, help me jump off.

What I'd Like to Do, Who I'd Like to Be

I dislike production. It's physical. It's tedious. It's cold. It's hot. It's early. It's late.

Here's think I really want to do:

Comedy
Photography
Acting
Casting
Writing
Teaching
Working with animals

I'd like to start out getting a part time job taking care of animals in some fashion. You know...dog washing. Something humble but enjoyable while I work on building up my real career facets.

I don't want to do TV anymore. And I don't like shooting video as much as I like taking photos.

I want a picture. A song. An expression of my soul that communicates the unique way I display God's glory when I allow him to flow through me. I believe I am meant to be:

Passionate
Lion
Severe
Warrior
Wise
Servant
Intelligent
Joker
Loyal
Lover
Honest
Friend

"Don't forget me
No, my love.
My love.
I won't forget you
No, my love.
My love.
Till the end of the world,
There and back.
Until the end of time
No one can stop me if they try.
The darkest days
The darkest nights
I won't stop until the day I die
Till the end
of the world,
My Love.
Till the end."
--My soul feels so alive listening to this song. It touches a deep part of me. It's God's love for me. It's the love I want to have for Him.