Not Where I Want to Be

I am not where I thought I'd be. I always thought I had something special to offer the world. A unique way of looking at the world. I thought I'd be making movies to be proud of. I thought I'd be winning awards and glittering. Now I don't even like making movies. I regret going into film production.

My parents keep telling me I'm in the right place. No. I'm in a place and it will work out eventually, but I wish I had switched to critical studies of film a year ago when I had the chance. Now I'm deciding which class I hate less to take next year: Advanced Film or Advanced TV.

I don't like my job. I mean. It's great I have a job and get paid. It's great I found out I don't like it. I just have to make it through this year and I hate feeling that way. Drudgery.

I thought I'd be ahead of the curve. I'm proud. I thought I'd be better than everyone else, but you know what? Other people are smarter, more talented, and own more equipment than I do. It puts them ahead and I'm in the dust. The very fact I don't have a car is very frustrating and puts me behind.

I know that because I have Jesus my eternity is set. I have everything. I have food and a bed and a roof and a computer, a family. And toothpaste. I know I'm rich in these ways and I'm thankful for these things.

I just thought I was going to do more. You know, but other people are really talented too. Other people. Don't need me. They write great scripts without me. I used to think I had great scripts, but no one picks my ideas to make into movies. They tell great jokes without me. I make videos that are really funny, but only a few people watch them. It's not really worth it, but I have to keep making those videos because it's so fun. I'm hilarious. Why don't more people watch?

I'm totally confused why you're not attracted to me. We have the same sense of humor. You pick up on my mumbled jokes. No one else hears them, but you do. And laugh. You asked me hold old I was. Why did you want to know? Why did you pull a hermit so suddenly after biblestudy? Why didn't you talk to me? Where did you go on your night hike? I wouldn't be able to be with you anyway. I'm just going to leave. But I want you. I find myself trying to be where you are. I've ridden this train so many times. God, help me jump off.