Career

I know all my blogs are the same, but I don't really write them for others to read. I write them so I can process through my life and write about conflicts that could inspire writing a story in the future. Processing is best in a blog and not in a secret folder in my computer because if someone steals my computer, it's no problem. Blogs are written in the sky.

Subject for today and the days before and the days ahead. I've been having issues with my major if you didn't know. I keep putting myself in situations where I am behind the scenes, but I very much want to be in the scene, but I don't see myself being a great actor. My face doesn't look that great on camera.

I just applied for a casting internship. Really, Steph? I mean, I'm kind of interested in casting, but I really can't stand being behind the scenes. The only behind the scenes thing I like is writing, but the writing becomes the scene.

It'd be fun going on tour to different churches doing comedy, but I'm not big on church-comedy. Making fun of church is so overdone. I just want to do clean comedy. Maybe just regular gigs with comedy that's clean but enjoyed by all. I hope they'll like me. I think they will. I have a feeeeling in my bones.

Someone just randomly posted on my wall telling me that I crack them up. YAY! That makes me so happy. Dude, I'm funny. I want to have the mindset that I'm blessing people with laughter as opposed to needing attention. I'm sure I've said that before.

Not Where I Want to Be

I am not where I thought I'd be. I always thought I had something special to offer the world. A unique way of looking at the world. I thought I'd be making movies to be proud of. I thought I'd be winning awards and glittering. Now I don't even like making movies. I regret going into film production.

My parents keep telling me I'm in the right place. No. I'm in a place and it will work out eventually, but I wish I had switched to critical studies of film a year ago when I had the chance. Now I'm deciding which class I hate less to take next year: Advanced Film or Advanced TV.

I don't like my job. I mean. It's great I have a job and get paid. It's great I found out I don't like it. I just have to make it through this year and I hate feeling that way. Drudgery.

I thought I'd be ahead of the curve. I'm proud. I thought I'd be better than everyone else, but you know what? Other people are smarter, more talented, and own more equipment than I do. It puts them ahead and I'm in the dust. The very fact I don't have a car is very frustrating and puts me behind.

I know that because I have Jesus my eternity is set. I have everything. I have food and a bed and a roof and a computer, a family. And toothpaste. I know I'm rich in these ways and I'm thankful for these things.

I just thought I was going to do more. You know, but other people are really talented too. Other people. Don't need me. They write great scripts without me. I used to think I had great scripts, but no one picks my ideas to make into movies. They tell great jokes without me. I make videos that are really funny, but only a few people watch them. It's not really worth it, but I have to keep making those videos because it's so fun. I'm hilarious. Why don't more people watch?

I'm totally confused why you're not attracted to me. We have the same sense of humor. You pick up on my mumbled jokes. No one else hears them, but you do. And laugh. You asked me hold old I was. Why did you want to know? Why did you pull a hermit so suddenly after biblestudy? Why didn't you talk to me? Where did you go on your night hike? I wouldn't be able to be with you anyway. I'm just going to leave. But I want you. I find myself trying to be where you are. I've ridden this train so many times. God, help me jump off.

What I'd Like to Do, Who I'd Like to Be

I dislike production. It's physical. It's tedious. It's cold. It's hot. It's early. It's late.

Here's think I really want to do:

Comedy
Photography
Acting
Casting
Writing
Teaching
Working with animals

I'd like to start out getting a part time job taking care of animals in some fashion. You know...dog washing. Something humble but enjoyable while I work on building up my real career facets.

I don't want to do TV anymore. And I don't like shooting video as much as I like taking photos.

I want a picture. A song. An expression of my soul that communicates the unique way I display God's glory when I allow him to flow through me. I believe I am meant to be:

Passionate
Lion
Severe
Warrior
Wise
Servant
Intelligent
Joker
Loyal
Lover
Honest
Friend

"Don't forget me
No, my love.
My love.
I won't forget you
No, my love.
My love.
Till the end of the world,
There and back.
Until the end of time
No one can stop me if they try.
The darkest days
The darkest nights
I won't stop until the day I die
Till the end
of the world,
My Love.
Till the end."
--My soul feels so alive listening to this song. It touches a deep part of me. It's God's love for me. It's the love I want to have for Him.

So I Don't Forget

I want to get a computer game for me to play.

Also, I believe this is the year in which I will do a lot of growing up--in confidence, wisdom, and what I choose to think about.

What a Great Day!

I had a wonderful Sunday. My best friend, Katie, and I went on a gorgeous hike on cliffs along a beach at sunset. Does it get any better than that? Yes it does! When you also get to go to church and worship God which I did. I went to a different church...one that a lot of old friends go to. I got to see them again and have quality chats.

I also made delicious hamburgers and mushrooms for Katie and I. They were the best burgers I've ever made! SO GOOD! My lunch was also particularly delightful.

Then we watched "Touching the Void," a documentary/reenactment of a mountain climbing extravaganza in the Andes gone horribly wrong. I saw it before, but I wanted to watch Katie watch it.

Now I'm going to pray and do yoga before going to bed. Oh, and of course write this blog.

Maybe I should take the time to write about my goals for 2012.

1. Graduate from College
2. Stress Less and Take the Time to Relax and Have Fun
3. Volunteer at a Nursing Home
4. Find a great job or internship for the summer that will lead to a job after I graduate
5. Do more stand-up
6. Memorize Romans 8

That's pretty much it.

God Stirring my Heart to Help Others

Hey Stephanie,

Hope you are having a blessed holiday time.

The Lord has shown me some stuff about what we prayed about a few months ago regarding poverty and suffering. When He shows us things like that it's because He wants to do something about it and wants us to pray towards that. Actually, He's madder about it than we could ever be because if we read the very beginning and end of the Bible, things are all good. No poverty, tears, violence, sin, etc. Mankind has messed up His creation and His Master Plan hugely and He wants to see restoration.

I think He also would like to work thru you to make changes there. The scripture I'm getting is the passage about Gideon. He didn't see himself having the power to conquer the situation yet God called Him a mighty man of valor. I'd suggest you read through that section of the Word starting in Judges chapter 6 because we can be conquerors through Christ (Romans 8:37 - actually the whole of Chapter 8 is great!)

Hope your 2012 is very blessing and remarkable,

Love in Jesus,

Jan
Prisoner of Hope (Zech 9:12)



This was a message I received a few days ago from an older woman who is a beautiful prayer warrior. God has been moving in my heart recently. He's been wanting me to help the helpless. I've kept saying, "I'm busy." And God's kept saying, "Heal my people." Me: "I'll help them later when I have more resources."Him: "Serve me. Love my people."

Maybe not those words exactly, but something like that. I was totally blown away when I got that message though. It had been confirmed. God wants me to do something about the hurting world. Lord, break my heart for your people.

I'm going to start volunteering at a nursing home. Visiting people who don't get any visitors. It's not as much as I'd like to do, but it's what I'm able to do right now. And i want to be more intentional with the people in my everyday life. I want to be Spirit-filled, hearing and obeying Him. I want to make myself available as a vessel for Him to use.

Is Having Fun Allowed?

"Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me" -C.S. Lewis Song

I am not long here. I want to make the most of my life and not live for my comfort. For a while I was confused. I thought living for comfort was equal to not doing things my heart longs to do like being around dogs, hiking, and watching movies. I felt guilty for doing things that don't directly involve ministry.

But the gospels often explain how Jesus would go off alone to pray in the mountains. I wonder what Jesus did for fun or if he just prayed to be filled to overflowing.

Hmmmm. But when Jesus came back from the mountain, everyone said, "Jesus, everyone's been looking for you!"

If Jesus didn't take little vacations to be rejuvenated, He'd be empty with nothing to give. I have often walked around some days with nothing to give because I didn't take a little vacation with God that morning. I think spending time with God and recreation is very important for loving other people because when I'm not filled with joy, I'm no fun to be around and I end up taking rather than giving.\

Phew. I'm so glad that having fun is a part of loving other people.

^(inspired by Waking the Dead by John Eldredge)^

When things don't work out the way they should, I can take comfort in the fact that this world is not my home like the song says. I belong to the Kingdom of God. Why be surprised when this world disappoints? We know it's disappointing. I want to rejoice in the reality that I get to spend eternity in paradise with my Father. So Lord, since I already have paradise in my future, let's make the most of my life. May my perspective be restored each day so I'm ready to give up myself to obey you. In Jesus' name, Amen