Isaac's Death

I am very angry that Isaac died.

I am also angry that I don't know how he died.

And I'm angry that it's rude to ask. It's driving me crazy. I can't stop thinking about him! I just can't believe how irreversible death is without Christ. It's so frustrating.

Stress

It's INCREDIBLE how stressed I get from making movies. SO STRESSED. I refuse to do this for the rest of my life. I'm not a filmmaker. I'm a public speaker/comedian/performer. Not a filmmaker. I have decided. Now to finish my last semester of college and probably my last film. I dearly hope I graduate and nothing weird or unplanned keeps me from graduating.

Of course, I'll always shoot little stuff, you know, but not these big productions. I've officially had enough.

The Perfect Gift

Well, I did it.

I finally succeeded in giving someone the perfect gift at the perfect time.

I'm going to put that on my bucket list just so I can check it off cuz I've never done that before. WIN!

It makes me want to give more gifts. Random gifts. I really want to make people feel special and loved. Lord, enable me to live a life of cheerful giving.

At Least I Know How He Feels

My crushycrush just posted this message on my Facebook:

"I totally forgot you existed for a while. But then I remembered that you do."

At least I know what he thinks of me now. He goes for long periods of time believing the world does not contain my human presence. I think the odds of us getting together are high.

My Ideal Social Structure

Small houses are close to each other and share a common area.

People dance together. Big group dances.

They grow much of our own food and have goats and chickens.

Lots of laughing.

Everyone plays a part.

Hospitals still exist.

The houses are in trees. Or at least our bedrooms are in the trees.

My First Good Birthday

Dude, I had a great birthday. First time I felt great and not weird. Finally!

Nothing super special about it, but I wasn't expecting anything.

I just delighted in seeing my best friend who brought me a dozen mini bunt cakes of assorted flavors. And my uncle who sent a delightful email and had his almost-adopted son sing me happy birthday on the phone. And an old crush wrote a great happy birthday note on my facebook:

"I hope your birthday is filled with magic and sprinkles and dancing and rainbows and chocolate and smiles and puppies and wonderful!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEPHANIE!!! you are cool"

And I had lunch with friends and my first glass of wine. I went to work and had a great conversation with my boss. We chatted for like 15 minutes about life. He's the nicest person in the world.

Finally, I finished the night with Biblestudy. I received a card signed by everyone, and my current crush was there. In my card he wrote, "You're pretty funny. Keep it up." Bahahahaha Hilarious. He made many funny jokes tonight.

You know...as a comedian I laugh at things that other people don't laugh at. Instead of laughing I think, "Oh yea, I see how that joke works."

A joke that makes me laugh has to catch me off guard and have a spritz of quirkiness....or align with personal experiences I thought were unique to me.

Boy WOULD Happen Now

Tonight my wonderful crush approached me to tell me that he thought my Facebook status was super funny and made him laugh out loud!

We proceeded to chat about things. He asked me about what I was studying (which I have told him before--he's a forgetter) and also about where I'd be this summer (I told him this before too). Great. I leave for a different city in a week just when we're starting to have cute encounters.

He's quiet yet hilarious. And RELAXED beyond all reason.

This is kinda torture. And then if I meet someone in the new city, I'll have to leave him to come back here after the summer. And then I'll leave to go back to the new city after a few months. It's just so DIFFICULT to do commit to anything under these conditions (not just boys).

He's so attractive!!!!

I had fun tonight!

It's Friday. Instead of wasting another night in my room alone, I went to a movie with a house mate. An indie movie in a tiny theater. "Salmon Fishing in the Yemen." The movie was just ok, but it was great just not being in my room. I have been neglecting my social life. Can't do that anymore.

My Birthday is Hard to Deal with

My birthday is in two weeks.

Ugh. I think I'll make hundreds of cupcakes and pass them out all day. To focus on other people. Because let's face it...I don't handle my birthdays very well when people focus on me. I actually ran away from my birthday party last year. "Why is Stephanie running into the distance? Wait, we can't see her anymore." Not good.

I've never had a great birthday party. I can't remember a single one that made me want to kick my heels up and shout.

I've always done the same thing......eat food and converse with friends. Woohoo. Sounds like every other day of my life. Partay.

Maybe I should do something different that's not about me. I don't know. The best days are never planned. They're cultivated by destiny and refined in the fires of shared agony. No, really. One of the best times I had was being on a boat in a storm. Hundreds of people were throwing up, and I sat at the same table as the guy I liked. ...maybe it was more like clinging to the table than sitting at it, but anyway... to be that miserable with someone else is really special.

Oh no...I just calculated.....I'll be PMSing on my birthday. Bahahaha

Having a Baby

Today a big event/concert is happening at my school. One student has been working to organize taping the event and streaming it live on the internet. He's been working on this for a couple months, and today he gets to see his baby walk.

I want a baby. I want to watch it grow and be there when it stands on its own feet...catch it when it falls

But I'm thinking bigger than a two month project. Something that maybe takes years.

A feature film.
A project to help homeless families be home families.
Writing the perfect screenplay.
Taking a trip around the country performing stand-up in numerous cities. In my tiny house.
Building a tiny house.

Just some ideas.

Disappointing Others

My Worst Fears:

1. Parasites
2. Disappointing Others/Making Mistakes

I did something I shouldn't have done and someone pointed it out to me. Enter self-loathing. I am super hard on myself because I'm proud and want to do a good job. I need God to help me let go of the insane grip I have on myself.

Boys don't like me. That's ok.

When I was like seven or so I prayed that I would only date the guy I'm going to marry. God was like, "YES!" Now I'm like, "NO!" I read in Genesis how God put a mark on Cain so that no one could kill him. I'm pretty sure God has put a mark on me so that guys won't fall in love with me.

I've come to a place where I accept this reality and have turned it into a game of how long I can go without a boyfriend. So far we're at 21 years, which I believe is more common than society makes it out to be.

Society makes it seem like EVERYONE has had a sigother by 21 for sure. I have a good handful of friends who have never had boyfriends either. So I'm not alone.

My identity is in Christ. I don't NEED a man. But my goodness, I'd like to have one. They're fun.

My dad told me last summer that I would find somebody this year. The way he said it was very prophetic, but I was too scared to ask if He heard that from God or just felt it was a good guess.

Now, as lovely as that would be to find a special dude this year, I'm seriously doubting it. There are only four more months before this year is over and no guy has come along. Sure, I've liked a couple guys during this time, but of course they don't like me back. I want to come to the end of August and be able to say, "So, Dad...about finding my guy this year....Wazzzuuuuup!!?!" Is that bitterness? Probably.

I have plenty of guy FRIENDS. And no, I don't get stuck in the "friend zone." That's the dumbest term ever. If a guy likes me, no zone is going to stop him from pursuing me. Plus, most of my close guy friends have girlfriends anyway.

I find it's becoming increasingly more difficult for me to be around guys with girlfriends. Because with any of my guy friends, there's always the secret hope of something blossoming. We're only attracted to each other on a level of friendship, but it's still attraction.

One Line 6

Feeling victorious for finishing a 22-page script and a 6-page essay today.

Picture Dreams

Dreaming of cameras. Pictures. Telling stories in a way no one has told them before.

I didn't think I'd ever get this feeling back. I really want to capture different facial expressions and put them all over my walls. I want to see what kind of movies I can make. What my style is.

Ah I WANT A CAMERA!

One Line 5

I love writing screenplays!

One Line 4

1. Don't be funny when you're trying to make an important point.

2. Don't be close friends with guys with girlfriends.

3. God is faithful. Don't be afraid. Pray and trust God. He provides what we need according to his will. And his will is gooooood.

A Few Lines 3

My dad always seems tired now. I hope when I see him in person, it won't be like that.

I'm angry that I didn't finish logging the documentary footage earlier, but I did work my butt off to get it done. Maybe I could've squeezed more in before, but I still think it would've taken me a long time. Things just take longer than we estimate. But some of it was my fault too. I admitted this to my other group mate. I hated saying it because I'm proud. She thanked me for acknowledging it. I'm burning.

Almost done with the year.

"One" Line 2

David told me he enjoys working with me. Redemption.

One Line 1

I said I'd win the bingo game and I did.

H.A.G.S.--Story of my Life

DISCONNECTED THOUGHT: Saying "I've got writer's block" is too often used as a substitute for "I'm not working hard" or "I don't care."

I live in a warm dry place. I've lived here for three years. It's rather like summer all the time. So, I thought to myself It will always feel like summer vacation. I was wrong. Now it just feels like I go to school during summer vacation.

There was this special feeling I got in elementary school when I lived on the East Coast. Everything smelled better on the East Coast. And each season had a different smell.

I miss that feeling in mid-June when school was basically over and I could wear shorts. I'd work less hard and wish we hadn't had snow days back in January.

Then came the last day of school. End-o-year party. Yearbooks. H.A.G.S. Everyone was suddenly friends with everyone. Scribbling phone numbers. The last bell of the year rings and I peel my thighs off the chair. Make my way toward the door. The walk home shimmers. Birds smile on branches, stuffed with worms, berries, and peace. The air sags with nothing to do. Time to relax. Play. Go to the pool. And do summer reading...ick!

I miss that feeling. Now the heat and sun are nothing special. Yes, it's beautiful. But it's not rich and full of meaning. I do not remember a particular event because it happened when it was hot and sunny or snowy and cold or colored and fallen.

I NEED SEASONS!

For the moments I feel faint...

"When trying to navigate through the treacherous world of the workplace and stay on course with who you're called to be, there's one trait that will serve you more than anything else:

Resilience.

You will be pushed, prodded, pressured, isolated and questioned.

You will get difficult feedback.

You will forget why you're here.

You will have a really, really bad day.

And a meaningless week.

You will discover that your college degree didn't prepare you for this.

You will find people lapping you in promotion, development and success.

But you must bounce back. You must find a way to be singularly focused and galvanized towards who you're shaped to be.

Find a couple of friends who will commit to holding you on course.

Write your goals down.

Spend time every month imagining who you could become if you stayed on track for another five or ten years.

Figure out what you need to become the best version of you, and then be relentlessly intentional about making it happen.

It's your life, your responsibility."

---

Drakmar

I saw this documentary called "Drakmar: A Vassal's Journey" about this geeky nerd kid who escapes the reality of being bullied and fatherless by immersing himself in a make-believe Medieval world filled with dragons and mythical creatures. This kid is an absolute delight.

This movie touched me. I was filled with an urge to go back in time and be friends with all the awkward outsiders I knew in school. Because of this movie, I reconnected with a friend from high school who is still the video-gaming person who could use more friends. We are going to skype this weekend.

I suddenly want to make a documentary like this one. I wondered if working on a documentary like this would be a worthy investment in terms of eternity. After seeing how non-preachy Drakmar is yet how it moved me to love other people, I totally see it as having eternal value.

Dude, it's making me want to make movies after college. I thought I didn't want to, but you know...if I was working on a great movie and didn't have to worry about taking 4 other classes and working on top of it, I could enjoy making movies.

So this is my new plan.
1. Network in the production world to make movies and find film partners because I can't do this alone....with the end vision of writing and directing movies
2. Write a script my film partners and I would want to make
3. Make the film
4. Submit to festivals
5. Repeat

And also:
1. Do stand-up comedy
2. Try acting
3. Be an extra
4. If I can't make money doing all of the above, get a part-time job--preferably with animals or doing something that would inspire my writing, something other than filmmaking

Lovely Little Moment

I was at work today, and I saw this girl flustered over some tables and food she had just arranged. I felt God nudge me to compliment her about how good the tables looked. I did. She smiled and thanked me like she really appreciated it.

It was a small thing. I think God rejoices in the small things. I mean, in the grand scheme of eternity, the table arrangement doesn't really matter, but God loves the arranger very very much and rejoices at what she creates with her hands. It felt like God was complimenting her through me.

Makes me think about God rejoicing in the little things I put my hands to. Not all of my ideas are wonderful, and God can execute them much better than I can. But he rejoices in ME and delights in even the smallest of creations and victories. Lord, help me to embrace Your love for me. Help me to really see it.

The Drums!

I want to play the drums. One day I will learn. I will. I will. It looks like so much fun. I think it would be a great release for me. Something different. Wow, that would be so much fun to play drums in a band one day. Hahahaa Comedy. Acting. Drums. I could see that being my life.

I know what the best picture of me would be that no one has taken yet. The one where I'm wearing a green dress and my hair is firey red, and I'm holding drum sticks in the air, screaming. Maybe my tongue might be sticking out. That would be the best picture of me.

Career

I know all my blogs are the same, but I don't really write them for others to read. I write them so I can process through my life and write about conflicts that could inspire writing a story in the future. Processing is best in a blog and not in a secret folder in my computer because if someone steals my computer, it's no problem. Blogs are written in the sky.

Subject for today and the days before and the days ahead. I've been having issues with my major if you didn't know. I keep putting myself in situations where I am behind the scenes, but I very much want to be in the scene, but I don't see myself being a great actor. My face doesn't look that great on camera.

I just applied for a casting internship. Really, Steph? I mean, I'm kind of interested in casting, but I really can't stand being behind the scenes. The only behind the scenes thing I like is writing, but the writing becomes the scene.

It'd be fun going on tour to different churches doing comedy, but I'm not big on church-comedy. Making fun of church is so overdone. I just want to do clean comedy. Maybe just regular gigs with comedy that's clean but enjoyed by all. I hope they'll like me. I think they will. I have a feeeeling in my bones.

Someone just randomly posted on my wall telling me that I crack them up. YAY! That makes me so happy. Dude, I'm funny. I want to have the mindset that I'm blessing people with laughter as opposed to needing attention. I'm sure I've said that before.

Not Where I Want to Be

I am not where I thought I'd be. I always thought I had something special to offer the world. A unique way of looking at the world. I thought I'd be making movies to be proud of. I thought I'd be winning awards and glittering. Now I don't even like making movies. I regret going into film production.

My parents keep telling me I'm in the right place. No. I'm in a place and it will work out eventually, but I wish I had switched to critical studies of film a year ago when I had the chance. Now I'm deciding which class I hate less to take next year: Advanced Film or Advanced TV.

I don't like my job. I mean. It's great I have a job and get paid. It's great I found out I don't like it. I just have to make it through this year and I hate feeling that way. Drudgery.

I thought I'd be ahead of the curve. I'm proud. I thought I'd be better than everyone else, but you know what? Other people are smarter, more talented, and own more equipment than I do. It puts them ahead and I'm in the dust. The very fact I don't have a car is very frustrating and puts me behind.

I know that because I have Jesus my eternity is set. I have everything. I have food and a bed and a roof and a computer, a family. And toothpaste. I know I'm rich in these ways and I'm thankful for these things.

I just thought I was going to do more. You know, but other people are really talented too. Other people. Don't need me. They write great scripts without me. I used to think I had great scripts, but no one picks my ideas to make into movies. They tell great jokes without me. I make videos that are really funny, but only a few people watch them. It's not really worth it, but I have to keep making those videos because it's so fun. I'm hilarious. Why don't more people watch?

I'm totally confused why you're not attracted to me. We have the same sense of humor. You pick up on my mumbled jokes. No one else hears them, but you do. And laugh. You asked me hold old I was. Why did you want to know? Why did you pull a hermit so suddenly after biblestudy? Why didn't you talk to me? Where did you go on your night hike? I wouldn't be able to be with you anyway. I'm just going to leave. But I want you. I find myself trying to be where you are. I've ridden this train so many times. God, help me jump off.

What I'd Like to Do, Who I'd Like to Be

I dislike production. It's physical. It's tedious. It's cold. It's hot. It's early. It's late.

Here's think I really want to do:

Comedy
Photography
Acting
Casting
Writing
Teaching
Working with animals

I'd like to start out getting a part time job taking care of animals in some fashion. You know...dog washing. Something humble but enjoyable while I work on building up my real career facets.

I don't want to do TV anymore. And I don't like shooting video as much as I like taking photos.

I want a picture. A song. An expression of my soul that communicates the unique way I display God's glory when I allow him to flow through me. I believe I am meant to be:

Passionate
Lion
Severe
Warrior
Wise
Servant
Intelligent
Joker
Loyal
Lover
Honest
Friend

"Don't forget me
No, my love.
My love.
I won't forget you
No, my love.
My love.
Till the end of the world,
There and back.
Until the end of time
No one can stop me if they try.
The darkest days
The darkest nights
I won't stop until the day I die
Till the end
of the world,
My Love.
Till the end."
--My soul feels so alive listening to this song. It touches a deep part of me. It's God's love for me. It's the love I want to have for Him.

So I Don't Forget

I want to get a computer game for me to play.

Also, I believe this is the year in which I will do a lot of growing up--in confidence, wisdom, and what I choose to think about.

What a Great Day!

I had a wonderful Sunday. My best friend, Katie, and I went on a gorgeous hike on cliffs along a beach at sunset. Does it get any better than that? Yes it does! When you also get to go to church and worship God which I did. I went to a different church...one that a lot of old friends go to. I got to see them again and have quality chats.

I also made delicious hamburgers and mushrooms for Katie and I. They were the best burgers I've ever made! SO GOOD! My lunch was also particularly delightful.

Then we watched "Touching the Void," a documentary/reenactment of a mountain climbing extravaganza in the Andes gone horribly wrong. I saw it before, but I wanted to watch Katie watch it.

Now I'm going to pray and do yoga before going to bed. Oh, and of course write this blog.

Maybe I should take the time to write about my goals for 2012.

1. Graduate from College
2. Stress Less and Take the Time to Relax and Have Fun
3. Volunteer at a Nursing Home
4. Find a great job or internship for the summer that will lead to a job after I graduate
5. Do more stand-up
6. Memorize Romans 8

That's pretty much it.

God Stirring my Heart to Help Others

Hey Stephanie,

Hope you are having a blessed holiday time.

The Lord has shown me some stuff about what we prayed about a few months ago regarding poverty and suffering. When He shows us things like that it's because He wants to do something about it and wants us to pray towards that. Actually, He's madder about it than we could ever be because if we read the very beginning and end of the Bible, things are all good. No poverty, tears, violence, sin, etc. Mankind has messed up His creation and His Master Plan hugely and He wants to see restoration.

I think He also would like to work thru you to make changes there. The scripture I'm getting is the passage about Gideon. He didn't see himself having the power to conquer the situation yet God called Him a mighty man of valor. I'd suggest you read through that section of the Word starting in Judges chapter 6 because we can be conquerors through Christ (Romans 8:37 - actually the whole of Chapter 8 is great!)

Hope your 2012 is very blessing and remarkable,

Love in Jesus,

Jan
Prisoner of Hope (Zech 9:12)



This was a message I received a few days ago from an older woman who is a beautiful prayer warrior. God has been moving in my heart recently. He's been wanting me to help the helpless. I've kept saying, "I'm busy." And God's kept saying, "Heal my people." Me: "I'll help them later when I have more resources."Him: "Serve me. Love my people."

Maybe not those words exactly, but something like that. I was totally blown away when I got that message though. It had been confirmed. God wants me to do something about the hurting world. Lord, break my heart for your people.

I'm going to start volunteering at a nursing home. Visiting people who don't get any visitors. It's not as much as I'd like to do, but it's what I'm able to do right now. And i want to be more intentional with the people in my everyday life. I want to be Spirit-filled, hearing and obeying Him. I want to make myself available as a vessel for Him to use.