Honey was encouraging to me today. She told me that my emceeing kept her coming back to IV events because she thought I was hilarious. Even though she didn't know anyone personally, I helped her feel more connected and now she is really involved in IV.
I needed to hear that because so many times I feel like since I haven't interacted one-on-one with people that I don't make a difference in their lives. Now I kind of want to go back to emceeing and I'm scared to do the prayer group. I don't know what I should do. I can't be wishy-washy. I'll just go with my decision to focus on the prayer group and see how God uses me there or if he calls me back to emceeing.
I haven't been hearing God's voice lately about things.
How God has spoken to me:
God doesn't love me depending on what I do. He doesn't bless me because I'm awesome. He blesses me because he loves me and wants me to be a blessing to others. It's a humbling thought. God, I pray that I am someone you can trust with your resources.
I now want to make more of an effort to be prepared for my conversations with non-believers. I want intentional conversations to lead to GIGs. I want to be more intentional with Caitlyn, Ting-ya, Jessica, and Elizabeth.
I have missed a couple of great opportunities to share a bit of Christ with Jessica. God, I am so sorry. I pray for another opportunity to talk to her about You and what you are doing in my life.
God is the King of Kings and I am made in His image, so I need to be a queen of queens. I am a queen. What does that mean? That means I sacrifice my life for my people. I lead them as a servant.
I long to hear the voice of God. Here are my questions for God:
1. Is it a mistake that I'm choosing to drop emceeing?
2. How do You want me to lead this prayer group?
3. Have you been speaking to me?
I need to seek God with my WHOLE heart. Am I divided? I often have judgmental or harsh thoughts about other people.
Do justice. Love mercy. Walk humbly with God. Do justice. Love mercy. Walk humbly with God.
Do justice.
What does that look like? God, WHAT IS MY JOB??!! I am yours. I want to be all yours.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
What I Want for My Life
Dear God,
God, I want to be so full of wisdom and grace. I want to know when to fight and when to let things go. In general I want to be like Jesus. I don't want to be someone who worries, but someone who trusts You all the time.
I want to make lot's of people laugh. I really love it when people love who I am. But I want to get the most joy out of giving you glory with the gifts you've given me. Creativity, humor, and storytelling
I want to be a Youtube celebrity. That would be my dream job for right now. In the future, I'd like to act, write, and direct a comedy series. I would also like to do stand-up comedy on the side. And just once, I'd like to play a troubled teen in a movie.
I don't know where I see myself living. I am open to being married, but I'm starting to feel better about being single. But I don't want to be alone when all my friends get married.
Thank you for all the gifts you've given me. Help me to use them for your glory. What are your plans for me?
I don't know what they are, but I am excited for my life. I feel like you are too. Thank you for your love for me, God.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen
God, I want to be so full of wisdom and grace. I want to know when to fight and when to let things go. In general I want to be like Jesus. I don't want to be someone who worries, but someone who trusts You all the time.
I want to make lot's of people laugh. I really love it when people love who I am. But I want to get the most joy out of giving you glory with the gifts you've given me. Creativity, humor, and storytelling
I want to be a Youtube celebrity. That would be my dream job for right now. In the future, I'd like to act, write, and direct a comedy series. I would also like to do stand-up comedy on the side. And just once, I'd like to play a troubled teen in a movie.
I don't know where I see myself living. I am open to being married, but I'm starting to feel better about being single. But I don't want to be alone when all my friends get married.
Thank you for all the gifts you've given me. Help me to use them for your glory. What are your plans for me?
I don't know what they are, but I am excited for my life. I feel like you are too. Thank you for your love for me, God.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen
Friday, January 28, 2011
Looking for Something
I just watched "Exit Through the Gift Shop." Banksy is incredible.
I want to be incredible. But then I'm reminded that it's not about me.
I want adventure, but I don't want to break the law. I want a project. But not a movie project. An art project?
Why can't street art be legal? Maybe it's good that graffiti is always removed. We need people to clean the slate.
I want to get lost. I want to come to the very edge of myself. I want to make discoveries. I want to go beyond what's required of me and do something great.
But I don't know what it is I should do.
I want to be incredible. But then I'm reminded that it's not about me.
I want adventure, but I don't want to break the law. I want a project. But not a movie project. An art project?
Why can't street art be legal? Maybe it's good that graffiti is always removed. We need people to clean the slate.
I want to get lost. I want to come to the very edge of myself. I want to make discoveries. I want to go beyond what's required of me and do something great.
But I don't know what it is I should do.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Prayer
Lord, I pray today against the Enemy's schemes to make me feel unloved and stuck with a hopeless future. I pray against His lies and attempts to tear the body of Christ apart. I hear a lot of gossip. We should be loving each other instead. Sometimes I start the gossip too. I am so sorry. I don't want to gossip anymore. Please forgive me and warn me when I am tempted to gossip.
I pray that you would mend the relationship between Shannon and Liz. That there would be clear communication between them. That words would be spoken in love. I pray that they would not let simple heater and bathroom cleaning disputes keep them from loving each other.
"Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart." 1 Peter 1:22
Also, I confess that I am having a hard time with fear. I fear having enough money and not falling in love. I pray that I would not let the Enemy take my joy away. God, You came so that I could have joy to the fullest in all circumstances by the blood of Jesus Christ.
"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 1 peter 1:8
Where is my inexpressible and glorious joy? It's there sometimes, but not always. I want it always. Lord, help me see you more deeply. Help me to fall in love with you so completely. I love you so much. Why do other things matter to me? Why do I let them matter so much?
I want more of you. I am totally yours. I know only you can satisfy.
You see me when I'm sitting quietly by myself. and when I'm walking to my classes. You know that I get scared of the germs on the button I press to cross an intersection. You know when I'm tired of class. You feel my frustration when I have to learn about evolution. And you are pained when I sin against you. I know this because I feel your disappointment.
I don't want to swear anymore. I feel so alone when I swear. Like I'm trying to do life on my own. Swearing makes me feel like there isn't a happy ending to whatever situation I'm in.
I pray that the people within IV would love each other. I pray that as we love each other, it will attract other people.
Thank you for redeeming the relationship between Kate and I. I pray that our friendship would produce good fruit.
Please show me how to have a prayer group, Lord. I don't know anything really except giving you space to reveal to us what we should pray for. Strengthen IV through this prayer group. I ask that the love of Jesus would shake the foundations of my school and that it would start with the body of believers loving each other.
Bring a group of us together to meet and pray together every week, Lord.
In the holy Name of the LORD Jesus Christ I powerfully pray, Amen!
I pray that you would mend the relationship between Shannon and Liz. That there would be clear communication between them. That words would be spoken in love. I pray that they would not let simple heater and bathroom cleaning disputes keep them from loving each other.
"Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart." 1 Peter 1:22
Also, I confess that I am having a hard time with fear. I fear having enough money and not falling in love. I pray that I would not let the Enemy take my joy away. God, You came so that I could have joy to the fullest in all circumstances by the blood of Jesus Christ.
"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 1 peter 1:8
Where is my inexpressible and glorious joy? It's there sometimes, but not always. I want it always. Lord, help me see you more deeply. Help me to fall in love with you so completely. I love you so much. Why do other things matter to me? Why do I let them matter so much?
I want more of you. I am totally yours. I know only you can satisfy.
You see me when I'm sitting quietly by myself. and when I'm walking to my classes. You know that I get scared of the germs on the button I press to cross an intersection. You know when I'm tired of class. You feel my frustration when I have to learn about evolution. And you are pained when I sin against you. I know this because I feel your disappointment.
I don't want to swear anymore. I feel so alone when I swear. Like I'm trying to do life on my own. Swearing makes me feel like there isn't a happy ending to whatever situation I'm in.
I pray that the people within IV would love each other. I pray that as we love each other, it will attract other people.
Thank you for redeeming the relationship between Kate and I. I pray that our friendship would produce good fruit.
Please show me how to have a prayer group, Lord. I don't know anything really except giving you space to reveal to us what we should pray for. Strengthen IV through this prayer group. I ask that the love of Jesus would shake the foundations of my school and that it would start with the body of believers loving each other.
Bring a group of us together to meet and pray together every week, Lord.
In the holy Name of the LORD Jesus Christ I powerfully pray, Amen!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
The Rules for Mr. High-five
In order to protect my heart (for it is the wellspring of life), I need to release this...crush...this...torture....this anchor tied to my soul. The rope is disappearing into the dark ocean. If I don't let go, I know I will be next.
"Open wide your mouth and I will fill it." -Psalm 81:10
For some reason I have been missing out on all that God has for me. I haven't been seeing Him because my mind has been anchored down by stupid boys. Or stupid me in a one-sided lack of a relationship. I have been looking at what I don't have when I really have everything.
I feel like God has been speaking this verse to me as a challenge..."just see if I won't satisfy you. your desires aren't too big for me. if anything, they are too weak."
Anyway. So I'm writing this down because I want to really walk away from this crush I've had for 9 months. I could've had a baby by now for CRYING THE LOUDEST. I've said that I would move on in the past, but now it's really time. Let freedom be born!
And because I know I'll backslide if I'm not careful, I am writing down my rules:
1. I must not entertain thoughts of being with him. If I do, I must quickly turn my mind to how amazing trees and birds are.
2. I can't talk about him unless people ask, and if they do, I shall merely say, "I'm in the process of getting over him." And they they ask, "Why?" I shall say, "He's just not that into me."
3. I won't start conversations with him unless it would be rude or awkward otherwise.
I can't have more than three rules. I wouldn't be able to remember them.
"Open wide your mouth and I will fill it." -Psalm 81:10
For some reason I have been missing out on all that God has for me. I haven't been seeing Him because my mind has been anchored down by stupid boys. Or stupid me in a one-sided lack of a relationship. I have been looking at what I don't have when I really have everything.
I feel like God has been speaking this verse to me as a challenge..."just see if I won't satisfy you. your desires aren't too big for me. if anything, they are too weak."
Anyway. So I'm writing this down because I want to really walk away from this crush I've had for 9 months. I could've had a baby by now for CRYING THE LOUDEST. I've said that I would move on in the past, but now it's really time. Let freedom be born!
And because I know I'll backslide if I'm not careful, I am writing down my rules:
1. I must not entertain thoughts of being with him. If I do, I must quickly turn my mind to how amazing trees and birds are.
2. I can't talk about him unless people ask, and if they do, I shall merely say, "I'm in the process of getting over him." And they they ask, "Why?" I shall say, "He's just not that into me."
3. I won't start conversations with him unless it would be rude or awkward otherwise.
I can't have more than three rules. I wouldn't be able to remember them.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Your Love is Better Than Life
So lately things have been hard. I've been so addicted to Mr. Highfive. It's torture torture torture.
And I've been fighting the lies that I am not beautiful and that I will never be loved and that God's love is not enough.
I'm tired of this.
I feel like I can't do anything...which is actually a great posture of heart for prayer. I need all my strength from God. I really don't know what to do besides pray. I am worried about classes and leading a prayer group. I don't know what will happen.
Be patient. Trust God.
HUGH! I hate doing both of those things, but it's the only place to be.
I just need to let go. I keep saying things like this, but it's so hard. I've been losing motivation to fight the good fight. And I've been so proud. I've been starting to get impatient and rude towards my parents. Living with them is hard. I miss living by myself.
"I dunno when to walk away or stand and fight
just when I've got it wrong, I'm sure I heard you right
and when my arguments are watertight you expose every hole with a flash and a flood and I know
I hear you call in the eye of the storm and I know you've had my back since the day I was born
still stoking my heart
still stirring my head
you're my pillar of fire
you're the wine, you're the bread, and
YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE"
And I've been fighting the lies that I am not beautiful and that I will never be loved and that God's love is not enough.
I'm tired of this.
I feel like I can't do anything...which is actually a great posture of heart for prayer. I need all my strength from God. I really don't know what to do besides pray. I am worried about classes and leading a prayer group. I don't know what will happen.
Be patient. Trust God.
HUGH! I hate doing both of those things, but it's the only place to be.
I just need to let go. I keep saying things like this, but it's so hard. I've been losing motivation to fight the good fight. And I've been so proud. I've been starting to get impatient and rude towards my parents. Living with them is hard. I miss living by myself.
"I dunno when to walk away or stand and fight
just when I've got it wrong, I'm sure I heard you right
and when my arguments are watertight you expose every hole with a flash and a flood and I know
I hear you call in the eye of the storm and I know you've had my back since the day I was born
still stoking my heart
still stirring my head
you're my pillar of fire
you're the wine, you're the bread, and
YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE"
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Who I Want to Be and Prayer Group
As I was reading a Psalm, I just got a picture of the kind of person I want to be. I want to know I am beautiful and valuable...that the world needs me. I want to be someone who is quick to offer a smile or a hug. I want to speak the truth and pray powerfully. I want to be full of joy even when the world is falling apart around me. I want to be full of faith in God.
I'm not there yet. I have very little faith. Lord, please increase my faith this semester. Please answer prayers. Please unite Intervarsity together in Christ that the world may know that Jesus is LORD. Teach us how to pray according to Your Spirit. In Jesus' name, Amen.
I've been thinking about the types of prayers we offer. A lot of mine don't sound very right...just kinda weak and without heart. So I looked to see how Jesus prays in John 17.
Jesus seems to pray a lot about unity. "I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me."
So it would appear that believers need to be unified together in Christ in order for the world to believe that Jesus is from God. That's intense, big-picture stuff. So as I brainstorm what the prayer group should pray about, I think unity is key especially since Jesus prayed about it for us thousands of years ago already.
I'm not there yet. I have very little faith. Lord, please increase my faith this semester. Please answer prayers. Please unite Intervarsity together in Christ that the world may know that Jesus is LORD. Teach us how to pray according to Your Spirit. In Jesus' name, Amen.
I've been thinking about the types of prayers we offer. A lot of mine don't sound very right...just kinda weak and without heart. So I looked to see how Jesus prays in John 17.
Jesus seems to pray a lot about unity. "I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me."
So it would appear that believers need to be unified together in Christ in order for the world to believe that Jesus is from God. That's intense, big-picture stuff. So as I brainstorm what the prayer group should pray about, I think unity is key especially since Jesus prayed about it for us thousands of years ago already.
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