Is Having Fun Allowed?

"Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me" -C.S. Lewis Song

I am not long here. I want to make the most of my life and not live for my comfort. For a while I was confused. I thought living for comfort was equal to not doing things my heart longs to do like being around dogs, hiking, and watching movies. I felt guilty for doing things that don't directly involve ministry.

But the gospels often explain how Jesus would go off alone to pray in the mountains. I wonder what Jesus did for fun or if he just prayed to be filled to overflowing.

Hmmmm. But when Jesus came back from the mountain, everyone said, "Jesus, everyone's been looking for you!"

If Jesus didn't take little vacations to be rejuvenated, He'd be empty with nothing to give. I have often walked around some days with nothing to give because I didn't take a little vacation with God that morning. I think spending time with God and recreation is very important for loving other people because when I'm not filled with joy, I'm no fun to be around and I end up taking rather than giving.\

Phew. I'm so glad that having fun is a part of loving other people.

^(inspired by Waking the Dead by John Eldredge)^

When things don't work out the way they should, I can take comfort in the fact that this world is not my home like the song says. I belong to the Kingdom of God. Why be surprised when this world disappoints? We know it's disappointing. I want to rejoice in the reality that I get to spend eternity in paradise with my Father. So Lord, since I already have paradise in my future, let's make the most of my life. May my perspective be restored each day so I'm ready to give up myself to obey you. In Jesus' name, Amen

Miniscule Problems and the Funny I Glean from Them

I am one of the luckiest humans on Earth because I was born into a healthy, middle class, Christian family in the United States. Plus, Mavis Beacon taught me how to type. Pretty much the best circumstance I could be in.

My problems are miniscule compared to what the rest of the world endures, but.....

I don't know what I need to do with my human lifetime. My diamond mind is fingering through the cornucopia of life's career gourds and my gorgeous bones are bouncing on the trampoline of whattheheck. This is my early life crisis.

Should i make the video? Should i tell the joke? Should I train the dog? I don't know. But I know I want to live in a treehouse like in Swiss Family Robinson. I met a guy at the airport. I told him about my treehouse idea and he said he'd jump at the opportunity to live in a treehouse. So we're getting married.

Did you know some people have diarrhea instead of throwing up? I think I'm one of those people. One time I had diarrhea at work so I kept going into the bathroom. On my third or fourth trip in there, my boss came out of a stall and affirmed me that she did not stink up the bathroom. * Nervous laugh *

My parents don't want me telling poop jokes anymore because they don't think it's classy. I don't know where along the line they became convinced I was classy, but I'm guessing they didn't buy me the "I Pooped Today" shirt I put on my Christmas Wish List.

Desires and Surrender

“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass … Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.” Psalm 37:4-7

“… whoever of you does not forsake all that he has cannot be My disciple.” Luke 14:33

“And if it seems evil to you to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve … But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” Joshua 24:15

Here are my desires: To own a bunch of land where I can have lots of treehouse dwellings connected by suspension bridges (Google Ewoks), cultivate a garden, and care for lots of animals, especially big dogs. And not be alone.

But I can't take any of those things to heaven. Lord, my one desire needs to be to serve you. I am not my own. That makes me sad in a way, but I know that's the Enemy trying to steal, kill, and destroy the perfect plans you have for my life. You have the best in mind and you see everything I don't see.

Lord, I know that you are ready to show me awesome things, but I need to wait on you daily, pray, listen, seek you with all of my heart.

When have I ever saught you with ALL of my heart? The last time I remember seeking you with all my heart was when I studied the book of Mark on a retreat last Spring. I know I can't always be on a retreat.

I'm scared to live for only you. I like being my own lord, but I know that's not the best and probably not even decent. So God, please help me to surrender everything I am to you. eeeevvverrrrryyyy last DROP!

Strengths Test

So I took a strength's test today and found out my top strength is intrapersonal skillage which is basically reflecting a lot on oneself and circumstances and new info. Which I do A LOT, and I think it's strange that I'm intrapersonal AND extroverted. Most self-reflecting people are introverted.

Anyway, this site told me that people who are high-scoring on intrapersonal and linguistics (which I also scored high on) should keep a journal. I consider my blog my journal and I love writing down my thoughts for processing purposes.

So what's on my mind today?

I went to a Christmas party. There were so many girls with dates, but not I. Classic. I tried to stay away from Max who is now in a relationship with my friend. I was mostly successful. He came over once and said hi while I was in the middle of eating ice cubes. I commented on their crunchiness. It was a lame conversation. Got what I wanted.

You know, this is what's really on my mind...my boy bubble/force field. God has put a boy bubble around me I believe. I'm funny, smart and cute but guys never ask me out or show interest. And I believe God won't pop my bubble until the right guy comes into my life. THE ONE, if you will. Because when I was like 8, I prayed I would only date the guy I'm going to marry. Big mistake. God answers prayer.

My dad said this creepy thing last summer. I was in the kitchen with him complaining about how I don't have boyness. He said that I will....this year. How could he be so confident in that? Is this a guess? A word from God? I don't know. I'm scared to ask.

But my honest belief is that it WILL happen this year. Over the summer. When I'm living back "home" with my parents. My parents just moved, so my "home" has changed. New people. New boyness.

I think both my parents are feeling that my boyness is approaching. I feel like he's going to be kinda older than me. Like maybe 24. And he's going to make my heart go pitter-pat. I haven't let my heart go pitter-pat in a long time cuz it's poisonous.

Youtube.

This is the other thing that's on my mind. People think I'm funny and like my videos, but my popularity is not growing. STAGNATION. I've tried to make different kinds of videos to shake things up, but NO SUCCESS.

My friend, Nhat (a hilariously outgoing Vietnamese exchange student), told me he likes my videos but that I'm funnier in real life. Which struck me as odd because I felt that I didn't make a humorous impression when we hung out. OH WELL. I'll try to be more of myself in my videos. Alison, what do you think?

Oh my gosh, back to my intrapersonalness.....when people say things and I don't respond quickly enough for them, they think I'm upset or something, but I'm really just processing. I want to say the right thing. haha. Explains so much. My dad does the same thing and he scored the highest on intrapersonalness too.

Peace & Joy

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into his grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God." - Ro 5:1-2

Lord, I am so thankful for You. You are my peace and my joy.

My housemate who has decided to follow the Enemy's plans instead of God's glorious plans just finished moving out of my house an hour ago. Phew. My two months of having a strange boy use my bathroom, finding dirty floss in the shower, and having front row seats to this girl's spiritual death are over!

As she left with her boyfriend, I was overcome with gladness that I am the Lord's and He is mine. God, you are my peace and my joy. I often think I really want a boyfriend/eventual husband SO BADLY, but you know, with You in my life, I don't think I feel it as much as those without you feel it.

I just have a little boy void, but others have a God void AND a boy void that they try to stuff both with a boy.

I am so thankful for your love for me! God, please forgive me for speaking badly about others and telling third parties about things that aren't their business. I ask for a new start where I am careful not to speak poorly of others because I don't want them to speak poorly of me. I want to treat those you love with the same love you show me.

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." -Ro. 5:8

It's About God, whaaaat have i been doing?

So this might seem OBVIOUS, but I am realizing that in the Bible, people pretty much only write about God.

Here are some random verses I opened up to throughout the Bible in one sitting just to get an idea of how many directly relate to God:

"Ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name; bring an offering and come into his courts. Worship the LORD in the splendor of his holiness; tremble before him, all the earth." Psalm 96:8-9

"The LORD sent Nathan to David." 2 Samuel 12:1

"the LORD said to Joshua...'Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them.'" Josh 1:6

"Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Matt 7:7

Basically, there isn't a single verse that doesn't advance my knowledge of God and/or his interactions with people.

Well, life has become more about me than it has about God. In U.S. culture, we are highly self-centered and pleasure-seeking--not God-glorifying. Sure, there is definitely space to talk about things other than God... you know....car keys, trail mix, showers. But man, I need to ascribe more glory to God! ...and not just pretend to.

I've really been challenged lately to only care about what God thinks of me. Not others. Ah...here I am, talking about me again. If all the authors of the Bible focused on their own personal struggles instead of the Kingdom, that wouldn't be very helpful, would it?

God, what are you saying? What are you orchestrating?

Lord, I'm not leading a nation. I have not had the kind of experience to write a book of the Bible. In general, I am not particularly important to the world's rotation. And I haven't even led anyone to Christ in years. Man, I'm so selfish and lazy. I'd rather watch the Big Bang Theory than rest in Your Presence sometimes. Please forgive me, God.

I should go on a TV fast. TV won't fill the void. Only you will, Lord.

Rodents in the Walls

There's a dead rodent somewhere in the walls of the house i live in. It smells disgusting.

One of my close friends (let's call her Joanna) has started dating a guy (let's call him Max) I've had a big crush on for a while. I mean, I'm getting over him, but what's keeping me from not totally getting over him is the fact that he sends me like a really thoughtful or cute text about every week.

So I told Joanna tonight how I am bitter towards her. Not just because she's dating Max but because she's always been a boy-hog in my mind. Always flirtsy wirtsy and focused on them. Like when I'm at a table with her and some guys, she'll only talk to the guys--not me. So I've been bitter for a while and haven't said anything until tonight. I asked her to pray for me not to be bitter toward her.

We'll see how I change and heal. One thing's for almost sure.....the next time Max texts me I'm either going to ignore it or --if it's a cute question--just ask him not to text me.

I have a big film shoot tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it. Making movies is so totally difficult. It's the hardest thing in the world. OH MY GOSH.

God is good. Lord, grant me peace that transcends my understanding.

I want to learn how to play the guitar.

Luke 23, 24

Luke 23:50-56

I like Joseph. He was a member of the Sanhedrin which hated Jesus and sentenced him to death, but instead of agreeing with the other Council members, Joseph "did not consent to their decision and action." He even asked for Jesus' body and placed it in a pristine tomb.

Sometimes the popular opinion is not the right one, and it's difficult to conduct oneself differently from friends and coworkers...sometimes even Christian friends. In those moments when I need to be more concerned about pleasing God than Man, I want to walk the narrow road like Joseph.

Luke 24:49
"I am going to send you what my Father has promised; but stay in the city until you have been clothed with power from on high."

Jesus didn't want the believers to leave the city until they had POWER. Wow. What if I never left my room in the morning until I considered the power that is mine in the Holy Spirit? What does it mean to do everything in the strength of the Holy Spirit? Wow! What would it look like to go to work in the power of the Holy Spirit?

God, I pray that when I work today from 4-6 that I would work with an awareness of your Presence in me. I pray I would conduct myself in a way that is honoring to you by wearing proper attire, arriving on time, and being ready to engage in blessed conversations.

I'm very tired. I pray that tonight I will get a restful night sleep so that I will have more energy to serve you tomorrow.

I am not holy apart from Jesus. Thank you for paying for my imperfections. Thank you that I'm free to live for you without worrying about your wrath. Thank you for my relationship with you, Lord. I've missed spending time with you. Thank you for this time with you. I love you, God!

In Jesus' name, Amen.

Why (the heck) do I Have a Blog?

I guess I probably shouldn't have a blog. I mean, I only write posts to get out my aggression. I have been assuming that 0-1 people read my blogs. However, now a couple more people are starting to follow me, so......

I just want to say that normally I am quite a fun/funny person, but my blog is usually the place I go when I'm angry, frustrated, or sad.

Click on the title of this blog to enter my Youtube world where I entertain the humans with my usually funny self.

Correction

Taking criticism. I'm getting better at it. But to be fair, I could be much better at it. I still get the pang of regret and self-hatred when someone tells me I need to improve. I often make excuses in an attempt justify myself. I can't stand thinking I've hurt someone, haven't done my best or am thought of poorly.

I wouldn't say I've been a stellar student this semester. I've been unmotivated and discouraged.

BUT

Yesterday I had a very productive day. I felt so good about the work I did on 4 different productions. I feel awesome about working on the final production for my film class. The guy I'm working with is fun and talented. We get along ducklings and are excellent brainstormers. I'm feeling like a go-getter again.

Lord, please heal my work ethic. I want to be a good steward of the gifts you've given to me. May I make the most of them to give you more glory. And may i be humble enough to ask people for criticism so that I can improve. And help me to practice giving. What is my role in the church? Is my church IV or CABC? In Jesus' name, make it happen!

Steps in the direction of making the most God has given me includes putting more effort into the videos I make, learning After Effects, working on as many shoots as a can, looking into making music videos, praying for a better camera, and getting a website. I really want to try to make music videos.

You know, maybe I'll live in Seattle, have my own production company, and do comedy instead of starting over in Portland. We'll see. God, how can I give you the most glory with my life?

Indoor Gardens are Attractive

Indoor gardens make me feel healthy and vibrant. It must be the green glow of photosynthesis. Plus, I want fresh cherry tomatoes in the dead of winter.

The combination of plants with innovative lighting turns me on.





















This picture to the left is definitely what I want my living room to look like. Greens with bright reds, pinks, and oranges. I especially like the orange barrel holding a plant.

It just needs several old fashioned bird cages with big eggs inside.

Starting a Biblestudy

I want to start a Biblestudy for the girls in my house! A Biblestudy accompanied by baked goodies like lemon squares. I'm tired to trying to invite them to some Christian group that I'm a part of. I want to start one in our house where there is no commute or uncomfortableness.

I want to prepare for this Biblestudy by praying for God to prepare the girls' hearts to be receptive to the gospel. And also preparing by studying the Word of God and running the studies by my dad who is great at leading groups.

I want to make disciples of the nations! Heck, I need to start where I live. This is a great opportunity.

Bless this, Lord Jesus. I know the Enemy will try to stop it, but you are the Stronger Man. The Enemy will not have the power to ruin this study. Bind Satan, Lord. Give me strength and perseverance to run the race marked out for me. In Jesus' name, let it be!

Sad

I'm sad. I told my friend (the one who was treating me like less than the close friend I thought I was) about how hurt I am.

She said, "I'm sorry you feel that way."

Unsatisfyingly depressing.

Another friend made kind of a rude comment on one of my Facebook statuses.

What is going on?

Sex and Friendship 2

My roommate/friend was really upset today. Crying and messed up, but she said she "didn't want to talk about it" so I let it alone. Now through the wall I can hear her telling her old roommate all about the fiasco that made her so upset.

It just hurts to know I'm much further down on her friend list than she is on mine.

And my other friend who decided to trade in Jesus for an unhealthy relationship (who knows it's unhealthy but is nevertheless proceeding) is just ruining her life and I hate watching it. Her boyfriend is always using my shower. I washed the bath mat yesterday to get his foot-germs out. I was also suspicious that he was using my body wash because its level has been decreasing way faster than normal. So I have to stash that away after every shower now.

Sex and Friendship

How could you be so stupid?

I am so angry that you are turning to sex and alcohol instead of God. And normally I wouldn't be angry with just anyone turning to sex and alcohol. But you proclaim to be a Christian.

And after confronting you about it....after you chose to repent.....you did it again. You invited that stupid smoker boy who doesn't love you over to have sex with you again.

There's nothing I hate more than hearing moaning when I'm brushing my teeth.

You just feel EMPTY EMPTY EMPTIER every time you turn to the world.

Your life isn't yours...you were bought at a price. When you are selfish...when you expect the world to serve you, you will only disappoint and be disappointed.

And my other friend....

What happened to our friendship? You always talk about your old roommate when we hang out. We live next to each other and you never hang out in my room unless I invite you. You don't start conversations. We used to be much better friends.

You get a lot more excited to make vegan cupcakes with Anna than anything you do with me. And we don't do very much.

Changes Galore

There's been a lot of whatnot going on en mi vida.

-My parents moving

-I'm stepping down from IV leadership

-Moving-notmoving drama

-Thinking about my future/what I should do post college

-Not liking making movies in my class---i'm supposed to like this...what's going on?

-Homesickness

-Severing relationships made during the summer

-One of my friends frequently talks to me about how much fun she has hanging out with her other friend. She doesn't talk about how much fun she has with me.

-How am I going to pay for next semester's tuition?


My security blanket has been pulled out from under me. Where I live physically has been on shaky ground in two places. What I've been passionate about career-wise is now a stress. The fact that guys like me as a friend, but don't ask me out frustrates me. Never ever felt this lost before.

God, be my Rock.

What do I need to surrender to You, Lord?

Anxiety? Being anxious is easier than being free. But you don't want your children living in anxiety. I pray I would let your peace transcend my understanding.

Elizabeth and Mary

I think it was thoughtful for God gave both Elizabeth and Mary miraculous conceptions at relatively the same time. I'm sure Elizabeth was a great comfort to Mary in the three months that Mary stayed with her.

They were relatives. How crazy. How crazy thoughtful of God to give these two women comfort in each other.

Growing Up

It's me, a backpack,
And the drought
It's just us three
From here on out

My guide has left
To save the others
Will I be strong
Like all my brothers?

Queer Twist of Reality

"Reality , in fact, is usually something you could not have guessed. That is one of the reasons I believe Christianity. It is a religion you could not have guessed. If it offered us just the kind of universe we had always expected, I should feel we were making it up. But, in fact, it is not the sort of thing anyone would have made up. It has just that queer twist about it that real things have." -C.S. Lewis

I know C.S. Lewis is talking about reality and Christianity here, but I'm going to apply it to movies. I want to give my movies that "queer twist" that Lewis is talking about.

My Best

This semester I am going to study film. I'm not going to complain. I'm going to learn. I'm going to go above and beyond what my teachers ask of me. If my teachers aren't challenging me, I am going to challenge me. When faced with a problem, I am not going to swear or get discouraged. Instead, I am going to pray and do everything in my power to fix the problem.

I won't give up. I won't surrender to the temptation of thinking that I am worthless or that I should not try because others are better than me. I am going to give myself a chance. I am going to reach the limits of myself and find out what doing my best means.

I am all in.



Why the newfound resolve? I honestly think it's God's doing a work in my heart. You see, I just found out that I didn't make it to this final round of a video scholarship contest. I watched the finalist videos, and you know what? They were definitely better than my entry. But I am not discouraged because I know I can do better.

It wouldn't be fair to me or God to not make the most of the gifts He's given me. So I am choosing to honor God my using my gifts to the fullest extent. Here we go, Lord. Please give me a Canon 60D, an audio recorder, and money for film expenses. I'm willing to work for it.

OH NO! ANYTHING BUT POOR!

I just realized that I'm afraid of being poor. I always pretended I wasn't, but I am.

I want so many things. For some reason I imagine that owning horses, having a farm, and somehow also being a movie-maker and the wife of an adoring husband would make me happy. Since I don't have those things, I'm restless, scrambling to begin to get them.

God, I am not able to see your glory right now. I don't understand your love. I gave up trying to understand it. But I have to give my life away to you because there is no other way that is good. It's because of your love that it's good. There is no way all those materials and fame would make me happy because I've seen it make a lot of people unhappy.

Lord, I will lose the fight in getting what I want. But God, I can't lose the fight when I'm on Your side, serving You.

"The branch that bears the most fruit bows the lowest."

Lord, I may not win any earthly contests, but show me how to win the heavenly one. I know through Jesus I win, but I mean...dangit, how the heck can I be a branch that bears tons of fruit when I'm so completely selfish? I can't. God, break the selfishness in me. Help me to let you break it off of me so that I can work out my salvation.

Internship Day 1&2

Day 1:

My boss (let's call him Mr. M) and I discussed what I want to get out of this internship. I wasn't really sure what I wanted, so I made something up about learning what the business is really like.

For the next hour and a half we organized equipment. The equipment room/garage was freezing. I was also thirsty, but I was too afraid to ask for water so I just waited it out and took my pulse now and then.

Afterwards I went to a church to shoot a video where a guy's pants fall down during a job interview. Luckily no old ladies walked by when it was no-pants time. They would've had questions like, "What are you doing?" and "Have you met our security?"

I went home and watched Redlight King's "Old Man" music video 52 times.

Day 2:

Mr. M told me to "mess around" in the garage while he edited a video. So I went into the garage and touched some equipment. I wasn't actually paying attention when he told me how long I'd be "messing around" for. I thought I had to entertain myself for like 45 minutes, but it turned out to be 15.

Then we drove to a business meeting regarding the making of a video, but we first stopped for Starbucks. He asked if I wanted anything. I got nervous and said, "No, I don't drink coffee."

I've been offered free Starbucks twice in the last 6 days. Both times I got nervous and said No. Why do I get so nervous? I'm going to be the thinnest filmmaker in the business if I don't figure out how to enjoy myself while also being in "professional mode."

So the meeting went well. Mr. M asked me what I learned. I didn't really learn anything so I pulled something out of my butt about the format of their treatment.

Then I went home and watched Redlight King's "Old Man" music video 12 times. Lie. I didn't. I ate cereal and wrote this blog. And watched the video 2 times.

God Actually Loves Me

The Lord loves me. He goes before me and prepares the way.

I have been trying to get a hold of this guy about a video internship and he hasn't been getting back to me despite my best efforts. But he kept asking me to keep trying to get in touch with him. Finally, I had to give up...it had been almost four months of frustrating communication and lack thereof.

I was looking for other jobs and not having much success. Finally, he called me just now and said that he was driving and God clearly told him to call me.

WHAT?! WHAT?! WOW! God, are you kidding me? You are so cool. I had no idea you really cared about me. I mean, I knew you cared, but not like that...I didn't think you would do something like this. It's so good to be reminded that You are with me. I really needed to be reminded of that.

He offered me an unpaid internship...the paid one was taken...poop. But he said that if I work on a project as a PA or and editor, I could get paid for that. Sweet. And he said that if I worked part time as a Starbucks barista or something, I could still do the internship.

And just him saying Starbucks barista was kind of interesting because I have an interview with Starbucks tomorrow and earlier I was trying to think of jobs to apply for, Starbucks kept entering my mind. I kept dismissing it because I tried to get a job with them before and it didn't work so I kind of assumed trying again wouldn't work. It kept coming up in my head though, so I thought God might be trying to hint at something.

So I applied. And I have an interview. And it was used by "the internship guy" in a plausible scenario of my life. So we'll see.

Joke-making

I don't like it when people say a funny thing, but it's actually meant to kick me in the face. And then I'm told I have no sense of humor when I don't laugh. I want to stop being that insulting person.

Secular Themes

As I'm reading "The Purpose Driven Life," I'm seeing that seemingly harmless secular themes are actually evil. Themes such as "do what makes you happy" and "find fulfillment in friends and family" do not give God glory. It's impossible to find fulfillment in anything other than God. And it's sin to pursue something out of selfish ambition.

Anxiety

The biggest fear of mine is not being loved--loving others more than they love me. But perfect love casts out all fear. My love is not perfect nor is the love of others. Only God's love is perfect.

In order to feel totally secure, I need to love my Creator and embrace His love for me.

Lord, may I depend on you and not other people for love.

What is bringing out this fear is my birthday party. I just want to be with the people I love, but I'm afraid that people would rather do other things than come to my birthday party. I still can't believe it when certain people I view as "popular" want to hang out with me. That's not healthy. But I sometimes live in fear that I'll ruin my friendships with them. That I won't be everything they think I am.

Despite my best efforts, I'm not that big of a deal.

Be Enough

Lord, I need you to make me lean into you. Why can't I see that you are so incredibly beautiful all the time? I need you right now because I am having a hard time being satisfied in you alone. I'm having a really hard time tonight because I was expecting today to go a little differently. I was expecting something magical to come out of my conversation today with Mr. High-five. And it didn't.

I don't want this to be a dull summer.

I need to pray for my prayer group more.

I need to do my homework more.

I need to be humble.

I need to be less legalistic.

I trust You. Now I need to lose the attitude. Even when I complain about boys to my friends, I can feel that you do not want me to behave that way. How should I behave? Like a queen. Like a strong, trusting, passionate leader.

P.S.

Can I please just say something that is funny to my person?

Ok, so I prayed about who Mr. Jacket would be to me and I thought i heard God said that he would be a source of pain in my life. I was like...great. I'm not sure if I heard God correctly here, but it's funny because I was playing ultimate frisbee with some friends and Mr. Jacket throws me the disc. Well, I try to catch the disc and end up spraining my ankle.

I suppose I might've heard God correctly :) He has so far been a great source of pain, just not in the way I was expecting. Hahaha

But I really think I heard God tell me that Mr. High-five would be a good friend because it was in a time when I wanted him to be more than that, so it wasn't like I heard my voice telling me what I wanted to here. And then I just ignored High5 so I could get over him. I wasn't expecting a blossoming friendship, but here we are. Blossoming.

God, you're more incredible than I thought you were.

The Conversation

Mr. High-five is really generous. He took me grocery shopping because I needed a ride. He was already going shopping, but still it was generous. It was a fun change to go grocery shopping with a guy. Guys eat a lot. He spent more than double what I paid.

Anyway, during our outing he mentioned that Scott said that he (Mr. High-five) should talk to me about the best version of himself. I apparently have a gift for seeing how people can be their best. Scott and I discovered recently that God gave me a gift in that area, so he sent some business my way.

I honestly don't know if it's a special gift because I feel like most people are able to do it. But either way, I was looking forward to having this conversation and practicing my superpower.

So today was the conversation. Oh Mr. High-five. I never thought we would be good friends. But here we are. Sitting in my room having a deep conversation as though we are good friends. So I tell him about his great qualities and how I see him being even more of who God wants Him to be. I miss some points so he fills in the gaps. We take time to let God speak into his life, and He does. God. You. Are. The. Best. God. Friend. Lover. Ever.

Lord, I pray that Mr. High-five and I can continue being and becoming better friends. And please don't let me get proud in this gift of imagination. I pray that I will humbly imagine people's lives in a precise way that is in line with your will. And as I spend time in prayer, please give me vision for people's lives and let me speak those images into being by your power for your glory. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Phew. It's been SO REAL.

I also might've put my tank top on backwards in my preoccupation with Mr. High-five's arrival. I'm still such a girl.

Also, I prayed for God to give me more flowers and through Erin He gave me my favoritest of flowers--a precious rose. :) Thank you, Erin! That was such a surprise.

Flowers

I wanted flowers to press so I could make pretty pictures with them. But I thought about my serious lack of flowers and how I didn't want to take other people's flowers in thievery.

So I prayed for flowers.

Lo and behold a few hours later I walk out of my bedroom and find that sitting in the kitchen's trash can is an old yet still pretty bouquet of flowers. PERFECT! So I got the flowers that weren't touching trash and they are now being pressed between all of my spare textbooks.

Thank you, LORD. Please send more beautiful flowers and leaves! I love you. So this is intimacy. I want more!

Night of Prayer

So basically my blog titles are all kind of the same. Oh well.

I got to pray for so many people tonight!

I prayed for a girl who wanted to hear God speak to her more--have more intimacy with Him. She was frustrated that she couldn't hear Him on her own. She didn't want to feel like she had to pray with other people to hear God.

I got to pray for another girl whose shoulder was hurting. After we prayed, the pain was significantly reduced. Praise God that a lot of the pain went away.

Prayed for another girl who went to a crazy Muslim meeting addressing "Who is Jesus?" It was kind of faith-rattling. Got to pray spiritual protection over her. God is good.

We made some prayer cover for a girl who went to the beach with some Christians to have the big talk about becoming a Christian.

Prayed for another girl who was having a hard time processing grief over her grandma dying. God did some healing in her tonight. We prayed for God's peace to reign and for Him to help her sleep tonight without using Niquil. God is SO good. What's crazy about this is that last night I had a vivid dream where a guy was pouring his heart out to me about the pain he was going through. I said that I didn't know what to say. He just looked at me through teary eyes and said, "Could you just hold me?" So tonight a similar thing happened with this girl. She poured out her heart through tears and said, "Could you hold me, please?" So I did. In both cases.

I love praying for people. Thank you Jesus for being so faithful and loving. We don't deserve You, but we need You and love You.

Also prayed for a random guy I knew from last year. He started talking about how he needed to get back with Jesus. We prayed through that.

aaaaaaaah. satisfying. God is moving moving moving. Thank you, Lord. You are so exciting.

Prayer and Worship Night

I used to be afraid about the future. That nothing would be as good as InterVarsity in college. But now I see that as I follow the LORD, he's not going to lead me to places where there is less of Him. Now I see that He will take me to places where I grow more deeply in my faith. IT'S ONLY GOING TO GET BETTER!

Okay Okay

God challenged me to make a list of everything I want from Him. I am opening wide my mouth and he is going to fill it to overflowing, I know it.

Here's my list:

1. Energy for this weekend on movie sets.
2. Humility
3. More faith when I pray
4. 35 PA hours
5. Gift of Healing
6. Gift of Interpretation of Tongues
7. A job this summer I can enjoy and make a lot of money at.
8. Katie to come to faith.
9. Mauai's transformation, my interactions with him to be full of God's glory
10. Such intimacy with God that not having a boyfriend doesn't bother me.

People who don't go to prayer and worship nights are missing out! God is EVERYTHING! Nothing else is as good as you, LORD. You are the precious one. It's all about you. You heal us and sit us down on green grass by still waters. You give us husbands and boyfriends and friends and money. But YOU are the real treasure. Help me to realize this even more.

God, there is SUCH JOY in your house. Give me joy this weekend on set.

At prayer and worship night God grew out Katie J's left leg so it is now even with the right leg. Also, when Erica and I prayed for Katie's back, she felt her back get super hot. She almost asked me to take my hand off it was burning so much. But my hand was cold. HOLY SPIRIT!!! Moving moving moving. I love it when the Holy Spirit moves. And it wasn't by my power. I wasn't even feeling that confident. I was trying to find the right words to say, but God did His work despite my lack of everything.

I felt such peace and joy today. It was so great.

Also, Alex gave me words of encouragement. That he loves my positivity and the initiative I took with prayer. I love Alex. I love my community. We are enjoying each others' company more deeply in Christ. I want to invite more people into it.

Lord, give me love for others. Sometimes I have a hard time loving those with weaker faith or those who don't pray well. Lord, fill me with your love for them. Because that was me at one time and you loved me just as much then as you do now. Thank you for your deep, penetrating love. I can't believe what grace you have for me. Praise you, God.

Now I see so clearly.

Sister is Visiting; Rhythm is Breaking

My sister is visiting. I don't know what to do with her. And by that I mean that I don't have much time to do fun things with her. I'm just kind of super busy and even if I wasn't, I don't know what I would do with her. I don't really go anywhere cool myself because everything costs money.

Visiting and being visited is difficult when the two people aren't friends with each other's friends.

I'm so used to doing things in my own rhythm. It's hard having someone else there all the time. I love my sister, but it's a little hard for me to surrender rhythm. I pray that the remainder of our time together will be fun.

God, Boys, Healing

I had a really hard realization that the guy I like doesn't like me back IN THAT WAY. huh. We'll call him Mr. Jacket.

I was actually quite devastated about Mr. Jacket a couple nights ago. But after praying about it for an hour, I felt a lot better...like, I felt GREAT. That's never happened before. Although, I've never prayed that hard about it before either. God is truly my comforter and giver of life. He healed me emotionally.

Also, in regards to Mr. High-five a while back, I heard God tell me that we'd be good friends. Um. Well, recently I've just not really been talking to him because I thought that might help me to get over him. But tonight I got into a conversation with him. And it was SO GOOD. We talked about significant others (in his case) and lack thereof (in my case). Basically, we just got real with each other about how we were doing in classes, in love, and in Jesus. Almost like we were good friends :)

Thank you, LORD, for what you're doing. Please keep doing it.

IV Conference

Honey was encouraging to me today. She told me that my emceeing kept her coming back to IV events because she thought I was hilarious. Even though she didn't know anyone personally, I helped her feel more connected and now she is really involved in IV.

I needed to hear that because so many times I feel like since I haven't interacted one-on-one with people that I don't make a difference in their lives. Now I kind of want to go back to emceeing and I'm scared to do the prayer group. I don't know what I should do. I can't be wishy-washy. I'll just go with my decision to focus on the prayer group and see how God uses me there or if he calls me back to emceeing.

I haven't been hearing God's voice lately about things.

How God has spoken to me:

God doesn't love me depending on what I do. He doesn't bless me because I'm awesome. He blesses me because he loves me and wants me to be a blessing to others. It's a humbling thought. God, I pray that I am someone you can trust with your resources.

I now want to make more of an effort to be prepared for my conversations with non-believers. I want intentional conversations to lead to GIGs. I want to be more intentional with Caitlyn, Ting-ya, Jessica, and Elizabeth.

I have missed a couple of great opportunities to share a bit of Christ with Jessica. God, I am so sorry. I pray for another opportunity to talk to her about You and what you are doing in my life.

God is the King of Kings and I am made in His image, so I need to be a queen of queens. I am a queen. What does that mean? That means I sacrifice my life for my people. I lead them as a servant.

I long to hear the voice of God. Here are my questions for God:

1. Is it a mistake that I'm choosing to drop emceeing?
2. How do You want me to lead this prayer group?
3. Have you been speaking to me?

I need to seek God with my WHOLE heart. Am I divided? I often have judgmental or harsh thoughts about other people.

Do justice. Love mercy. Walk humbly with God. Do justice. Love mercy. Walk humbly with God.

Do justice.

What does that look like? God, WHAT IS MY JOB??!! I am yours. I want to be all yours.

What I Want for My Life

Dear God,

God, I want to be so full of wisdom and grace. I want to know when to fight and when to let things go. In general I want to be like Jesus. I don't want to be someone who worries, but someone who trusts You all the time.

I want to make lot's of people laugh. I really love it when people love who I am. But I want to get the most joy out of giving you glory with the gifts you've given me. Creativity, humor, and storytelling

I want to be a Youtube celebrity. That would be my dream job for right now. In the future, I'd like to act, write, and direct a comedy series. I would also like to do stand-up comedy on the side. And just once, I'd like to play a troubled teen in a movie.

I don't know where I see myself living. I am open to being married, but I'm starting to feel better about being single. But I don't want to be alone when all my friends get married.

Thank you for all the gifts you've given me. Help me to use them for your glory. What are your plans for me?

I don't know what they are, but I am excited for my life. I feel like you are too. Thank you for your love for me, God.

In Jesus' Name,
Amen

Looking for Something

I just watched "Exit Through the Gift Shop." Banksy is incredible.

I want to be incredible. But then I'm reminded that it's not about me.

I want adventure, but I don't want to break the law. I want a project. But not a movie project. An art project?

Why can't street art be legal? Maybe it's good that graffiti is always removed. We need people to clean the slate.

I want to get lost. I want to come to the very edge of myself. I want to make discoveries. I want to go beyond what's required of me and do something great.

But I don't know what it is I should do.

Prayer

Lord, I pray today against the Enemy's schemes to make me feel unloved and stuck with a hopeless future. I pray against His lies and attempts to tear the body of Christ apart. I hear a lot of gossip. We should be loving each other instead. Sometimes I start the gossip too. I am so sorry. I don't want to gossip anymore. Please forgive me and warn me when I am tempted to gossip.

I pray that you would mend the relationship between Shannon and Liz. That there would be clear communication between them. That words would be spoken in love. I pray that they would not let simple heater and bathroom cleaning disputes keep them from loving each other.

"Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart." 1 Peter 1:22

Also, I confess that I am having a hard time with fear. I fear having enough money and not falling in love. I pray that I would not let the Enemy take my joy away. God, You came so that I could have joy to the fullest in all circumstances by the blood of Jesus Christ.

"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 1 peter 1:8

Where is my inexpressible and glorious joy? It's there sometimes, but not always. I want it always. Lord, help me see you more deeply. Help me to fall in love with you so completely. I love you so much. Why do other things matter to me? Why do I let them matter so much?

I want more of you. I am totally yours. I know only you can satisfy.

You see me when I'm sitting quietly by myself. and when I'm walking to my classes. You know that I get scared of the germs on the button I press to cross an intersection. You know when I'm tired of class. You feel my frustration when I have to learn about evolution. And you are pained when I sin against you. I know this because I feel your disappointment.

I don't want to swear anymore. I feel so alone when I swear. Like I'm trying to do life on my own. Swearing makes me feel like there isn't a happy ending to whatever situation I'm in.

I pray that the people within IV would love each other. I pray that as we love each other, it will attract other people.

Thank you for redeeming the relationship between Kate and I. I pray that our friendship would produce good fruit.

Please show me how to have a prayer group, Lord. I don't know anything really except giving you space to reveal to us what we should pray for. Strengthen IV through this prayer group. I ask that the love of Jesus would shake the foundations of my school and that it would start with the body of believers loving each other.

Bring a group of us together to meet and pray together every week, Lord.

In the holy Name of the LORD Jesus Christ I powerfully pray, Amen!

The Rules for Mr. High-five

In order to protect my heart (for it is the wellspring of life), I need to release this...crush...this...torture....this anchor tied to my soul. The rope is disappearing into the dark ocean. If I don't let go, I know I will be next.

"Open wide your mouth and I will fill it." -Psalm 81:10

For some reason I have been missing out on all that God has for me. I haven't been seeing Him because my mind has been anchored down by stupid boys. Or stupid me in a one-sided lack of a relationship. I have been looking at what I don't have when I really have everything.

I feel like God has been speaking this verse to me as a challenge..."just see if I won't satisfy you. your desires aren't too big for me. if anything, they are too weak."

Anyway. So I'm writing this down because I want to really walk away from this crush I've had for 9 months. I could've had a baby by now for CRYING THE LOUDEST. I've said that I would move on in the past, but now it's really time. Let freedom be born!

And because I know I'll backslide if I'm not careful, I am writing down my rules:

1. I must not entertain thoughts of being with him. If I do, I must quickly turn my mind to how amazing trees and birds are.
2. I can't talk about him unless people ask, and if they do, I shall merely say, "I'm in the process of getting over him." And they they ask, "Why?" I shall say, "He's just not that into me."
3. I won't start conversations with him unless it would be rude or awkward otherwise.

I can't have more than three rules. I wouldn't be able to remember them.

Your Love is Better Than Life

So lately things have been hard. I've been so addicted to Mr. Highfive. It's torture torture torture.

And I've been fighting the lies that I am not beautiful and that I will never be loved and that God's love is not enough.

I'm tired of this.

I feel like I can't do anything...which is actually a great posture of heart for prayer. I need all my strength from God. I really don't know what to do besides pray. I am worried about classes and leading a prayer group. I don't know what will happen.

Be patient. Trust God.

HUGH! I hate doing both of those things, but it's the only place to be.

I just need to let go. I keep saying things like this, but it's so hard. I've been losing motivation to fight the good fight. And I've been so proud. I've been starting to get impatient and rude towards my parents. Living with them is hard. I miss living by myself.

"I dunno when to walk away or stand and fight
just when I've got it wrong, I'm sure I heard you right
and when my arguments are watertight you expose every hole with a flash and a flood and I know
I hear you call in the eye of the storm and I know you've had my back since the day I was born
still stoking my heart
still stirring my head
you're my pillar of fire
you're the wine, you're the bread, and

YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE"